An Open Letter to My Exes

To many, though not all, of the guys I've dated,

I'm so sorry, for doing what I did to you.  You have to believe me when I say, I thought what I was doing was right.  I had no idea you would find it so abhorrent.

I'm sorry for saying "yes" when you asked to if I wanted to grab a drink.  And I'm especially sorry, if I asked you.  I really thought, you might have a good time.

I'm sorry for spending Saturdays with you.  Or for getting into your favorite TV show.  I'm sorry for showing you all of my favorite places, and asking you to show me yours.

I'm sorry for all those conversations I had with you: silly ones and serious ones.  I apologize for both.  I'm sorry if I ever supported you at any time.  I knew what I was doing, I knew how you might react, and I should have stopped.  I admit that now.

I'm sorry for investing time and energy into creating a bond with you.  That was very inconsiderate of me.  If I was physically intimate with you, I deeply apologize.  I know it doesn't excuse my actions, but I really thought you were on board.  Somewhere in the open, comprehensive conversation (yes, another conversation, I apologize for those as well) about sexual boundaries, I must have gotten the wrong idea.  Believe me, if I could take it all back, I'd do it-- if that would make you feel better.

I see now, that if you ever looked at me with that intensity that only means one thing, I should have leaned back, put a platonic hand on your shoulder and said, "Listen, I  really value our friendship and I don't want to mess that up, you know?"

Because the truth is, I did value our friendship.  And I'm sorry I messed it up.  The reason I got into a relationship with you was so I could deepen that friendship.  Not create this rift of unnecessary awkwardness.  I wasn't trying to turn you into a stranger.  I honestly, foolishly thought-- and can never stop thinking-- that unless I was cruel, or dishonest, or unfair to you, we'd remain friends.

But it doesn't work that way, and I am girlfriend-zoned over and over again.  It's like once you see me as that person, you can't unsee it.  You can't remember that we were friends during (and sometimes before) our relationship too.

So in all honesty, and with actual sincerity, I am sorry that I get mad at you, when you treat me like a stranger.  I should know by now that's how most people operate.  And I should let it go because I have friends that care about me, while you and I are strangers now.

Yours truly,

Perpetually Processing