Price Tag

Every time I consider teaching full-time, there is one thing driving me.  It's not a love of teaching (which I don't have) or even a love of kids (which I have in spades); it's the money.

I'm not joking.  I know everyone says teachers are overworked and underpaid, and that is 100% true.  I'm not refuting that. But a teacher is paid more than a hostess, or a camp counselor, or a teacher's aide. A teacher is in the middle class. A teacher's aide is not.  They just aren't.

But seriously.

And in your early twenties, when you're single, it's easy to make your only expenses rent, groceries, and booze.  You don't need to be in the middle class. For three of the past four years, I've done this with varying amounts of satisfaction.  But anytime I start to think about pets, or home ownership, or god-forbid children, I suddenly find myself wanting more money. Actually needing it.

I can't afford the expense of a dog right now.  I can't afford the expense of a weekly yoga class right now (though if I was smart I would probably allocate my booze budget for this).  Point is, most of my time in California has been spent living exactly within my means.  With no wiggle room.

You want to go dancing?  You want a pair of leopard print pants?
You want a domesticated wolf to sleep in your house?!
 Don't worry, I've got it covered.  I'm in the middle class now.

I can't explain the mind-blowing relief I felt when I received that first teaching paycheck.  I suddenly didn't have to worry about money.  I didn't have to think about it.  I HAD IT.  I. Had. Money.  Was I happy that year?  No. Did that fix everything that was wrong with living in San Francisco? No.  But money, in a city that was so expensive, was suddenly off the table.  And that was amazing.

I can only imagine how far that teaching salary would stretch here in L.A.  And I do.  I imagine it a lot.  And that's a problem.

I don't know if I have the strength to be poor for another half-decade or longer on the off-chance this writing thing takes off.  I really want to settle down.  I really want a family.  And it's hard to imagine choosing to work in positions that take the choice of family off the table.

But do I really want to settle for career I'm not happy with?

I just find myself spinning in circles sometimes.  Because growing up, I was always such a creative person; I want to be that kind of person still.  I loved making stories and acting and creating art. And I feel like since going down this road with teaching those interests have totally been left behind.  So much energy has been focused on being a good teacher.  Growing as a teacher.  And I know people are gonna be like 'you can be a creative, artistic teacher', but that wasn't doing it for me.

White picket fence anyone?

Teaching just wasn't one of my passions.  It was kinda cool.  You know, how like making cookies is kinda cool.  But am I gonna try and become a pastry chef?  No.  I just don't like making cookies that much.

So what do I do? How do I feel like I'm making enough money to be comfortable, to grow with, but still have enough time and emotional energy to focus on this book I've started writing?  Or do I not?  Do I just get a job somewhere that's gonna give me plenty of money to settle down and admit that being an artist isn't for me?  That having a family was more important?  I know there's no shame in saying that, so... do I just have to choose one?  Hypothetical Family vs. Hypothetical Career?

That's the other ridiculous thing.  I have neither right now, so why am I pitting them against each other?  But I just quit my job and am looking for a new one, so I feel like now I have to choose what to actively pursue: Financial stability and possibility for settling down or financial instability and possibility of a career as an artist.

So here I am, spinning in circles again.

This is such an entitled millennial problem isn't it?

Someone to Watch Over Me

I feel so weird right now.  After a surprisingly mellow day, I inhaled about 4 donuts and suffered a supreme sugar crash.  Now I'm back home and just feeling off.  As much as I love living alone, I really miss having someone to come home to and decompress with.  I wanna talk about how today was surprisingly lame and chill when it was supposed to be this big party/stress fest.  I want to feel motivated to cook dinner to share.  I wanna talk about how simultaneously bored and frustrated I am at my job.  How scared I am for my new one.  How I feel so behind on life.   How I miss working with kids and hate working with adults.  And it's hard when my days are long like this to remember to call Nate, or to make plans with Sarah, or forward Abigail's mail.

I like having someone to come home to.  I'm a lazy companion.  But everyone in SF is so transient.  No one I connect with out here ever actually hangs around.

"Someone to Watch Over Me" 

performed by

Amy Winehouse

We Can Learn to Love Again

"Give Me a Reason" by P!nk ft. Nate Ruess (of Fun.)

My feelings about P!nk are very song by song.  Sometimes I hate them, sometimes I love them.  But then everything Nate Ruess's voice touches these days seems to charm me.  So I'm flipping through the radio yesterday, and was disappointed to find that everything is STILL shit.  As it's been for the past like 7 months it seems.  But then I hear Nate's voice and I'm like "This wasn't on the Fun. album!  Who's he collaborating with?"  And I really liked that line "We're not broken, just bent". So I came home and looked it up and am a little obsessed with it.

In Other Words

"Hello My Old Heart" by The Oh Hello's

Drove Me Wild

"Drove Me Wild" by Tegan and Sara

I can't figure out if this a "I was totally into you, but you were infuriatingly distant and eventually broke us up" song or if it's a "thanks for helping me keep a lid on things, we're such a well-balanced couple" song.  Either way I love it.  And this whole album.

Try (Again)

"Try" by P!nk

Here's the music video for that song P!nk performed at the VMA's.  Same dance, but this time you've got the help of flashy camera angles and close-ups.  I really like being able to see the emotion on their faces as well.  Some of these moves are just really striking.  1:00 to 1:20, for example.  Plus a lot of other little moments. I think anyone who's dated me can follow my logic there.  Also P!nk's body is fantastic.  And she's got a great mouth.

Also, I decided last night that I really need to get into a relationship again.  That's really my preferred state of being.

Watching this music video I've also decided that I need to start doing physical activity again.  Dancing probably.  But still.  Exercise.

Islands in the Stream

THAT IS WHAT WE ARE.

NO ONE IN-BETWEEN.

HOW CAN WE BE WRONG?

SAIL AWAY WITH ME

TO ANOTHER WORLD.

AND WE'LL RELY ON EACH OTHER UH-HUH.

Please picture me singing that as loud as possible while dancing in front of my mirror for the last 45 minutes.  Because I have been.  Because Abigail is still at rehearsal and I can.  That's what CAPS LOCK means.

Oh How We Lost Our Minds

Today has been so emotionally up and down.  Basically:

Went to bed at 9:30 pm and woke up at 6:00 am still exhausted (side-note ice skating is baller).

Oh no.  Guys.  Why is nostalgia so out of my control?

Drove back into the city after my first shift listening to Ke$ha's Last Goodbye and basking in nostalgia.  It was one of those moments when I was felt super fortunate to have had the romantic experiences I have, even if they didn't all work out.  Like, I've dated some amazing people who were worth all the heartache later on.  And, like you know what?  Heartache fades.  Those don't have to be the memories you hold onto.  I'd rather remember that stupid hat someone was wearing when we first met.  Or his shocked face when we ran into each other on campus afterwards.  And how many damn colors he would always wear.  Okay so this song makes me think of Andy mostly.  God, sometimes you forget how much you really loved someone, and it's nice to remember.  I should have treated him better.  Sent less mixed signals.  That statement can apply to a lot of my relationships actually.

(This song also reminds me of one particularly debaucherous night with Nate and his bestie Jason, the first time I went out dancing.  We were in Richmond, VA one of the dirtiest cities I've ever been.  And we all crashed on Jason's air mattress in his mostly unfurnished, cat-scented apartment.)

Anyway.  Then I went back to the apartment but just wanted to sleep, but had laundry to do.  So I went and did a triple load of laundry WITH NO DETERGENT.  Discovering this was too devastating.  I just wanted to go back to bed.

I talked to Nate for awhile.  Who I love.  And he likened our relationship to sine and cosine.   I'm not twampy enough to know what that means.  So he sent me this picture

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/sine-cosine-and-tangent-waves-jason-padgett.html

Indicating that while we are INCREDIBLY different, our lives are on similar paths and our interests intersect every once in awhile.

I told him this picture illustrated his metaphor better.

Also, he told me he reads my blog every once and awhile!  Who knew!  Hi Biddy!  Love you!

I was so lethargic I ended up leaving for work late and got there 15 minutes late with no lesson plan.  Long story short shit hits the fan (surprisingly, for an unrelated reason) and I end up spending the whole afternoon totally sulky because I decide to resign at the end of the day.  Long story short: I'm starting my new job on Monday.  WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS.  I'm gonna miss my kiddos though.  They have no idea.  I feel like a bitch.

Come home. Watch a fuck ton of Office.  Get an email from the tattoo girl (it's basically a go for Saturday). Blog.  Listen to Last Goodbye on repeat again.

Aspiration

After paying two very hefty tickets today and looking into the ludicrous scenario of finally getting a parking permit, I'm reminded of one of my biggest life goals:  to get myself in a position where I can comfortably sell my car.  I would take the bus and my bike all the time if I could.

Also Abigail and I are rocking out to some Martina McBride right now.  Also, I should force myself to eat dinner even if I think I'm full because it has a direct impact on my mood I think.  I just cried through this whole video.

Out on the Town

Clearly I just need the next 3 days off of work and class to study for this exam.  Luckily the Velo Rouge is playing a fuck ton of Fun. today.  Which is great because their current album is my new obsession.  I've really come to like this place I think.  Anyway I was just blogging b/c there's no more stalking I can do right now and I needed a break from studying.

"Out on the Town" by Fun.  

It's a "please don't leave me song" and I think it's great.

Breakin' Dishes

Hey internet.  A lot is going on and has gone on so I'll just give you a brief run down because I'm on a break from studying.  What are you studying you ask?  The Crosscultural Language and Academic Development Handbook for my test on Monday.  I somehow have to read, take notes on, and memorize 150 pages of information before I sit in a room and take a 3 hour test on Monday.  Good luck me!

I am trying to get a new job.  I'd love to keep my old job at significantly reduced hours (like 2 a day instead of 6), for both the money and the love of some adorable little Kindergarten boys and sassy 1st grade girls.  Mainly Lilly.  That girl is just like me.  Gawky, awkward, and full of flippant sass, even at age 6.  I wish I saw her everyday.  I think if I did I'd be a lot happier at work.  But she's not in my class anymore so I only see her on the playground.  Anyway I'm trying to get a job in the city as a special ed aide at a friend's school.  We can have a conversations about how I never expected that to be a job of mine later if this all works out.

Abigail and I went to Yosemite this weekend and I saw snow for the first time since moving here.  It was magical.  I love snow.  The biggest drive to move back to the East Coast is so that my kids can grow up with snow.  I'm not planning on have kids anytime soon, so I'll probably be out here for awhile.

I've decided that brown was a silly choice for my hair.  The red was infinitely better.  Hopefully this dye will fade quickly and completely.

I thoroughly believe that I need to make more friends.  I wish I had money to take Improv Classes, and dance classes, and stuff.  I also think I should start dating.  But I'm not trying to hard with that either.  There are other things to sort out first.

Here are some pics from Yosemite.  I'll make a much bigger Facebook album when I get a chance.

Abigail in awe as we enter the park.

The (just for now) dried up Mirror Lake.

Spreading the love on the lake-bed.

Site of a 2009 rockslide that they have JUST finished clearing.

Abigail convinced me to climb through the fallen trunk of a sequoia.  I'm pretty sure it was a portal into an alternate dimension a la Alice's rabbit hole.

Gazing frightfully out at the unfamiliar new universe we'd been transported into.

Worried I'm going to run into dinosaurs or something in this new reality.

LEAVE NO TRACE.

Reading the graffiti in the Giant Sequoia.

Hetch Hetchy Resevoir

We saw a bear y'all.  And then spent the next half hour discussing what we'd do in nature disaster scenarios, such as a bear attack.  Mine involved running away as Abigail was mauled.

I think this might be an overlook as we were leaving Hetch Hetchy.

Not Hetch Hetchy.  Some other Lake outside the park.

Abigail at home ecstatic that we finally get to play bananagrams.

Me, less ecstatic.

My bananagrams hand.  I lost by one letter. I'm also really proud that my first word, PENIS, never had to be changed.

Also, this song just came on in the Velo Rouge.  I had forgotten it existed.  I love Rihanna so much sometimes.

"Breakin' Dishes" by Rihanna

Some Nights

Some nights go on too long and you are too tired.  And I only want to go out with people I already know from now on.  And I never want to be hit on again.  And I just want to dance with someone I know and trust.  And I just want to come home with them and fall into bed and sleep until the morning.  And I don't want to listen to people being drunk on the bus.  And I just want things to be secure and simple.  But I don't want to go through any of the bullshit to get there.

Leaves That Are Green

"Leaves That Are Green" by Simon and Garfunkel

"Time Hurries On/ And the leaves that are green turn to brown."

This quote is kind of a knee-jerk, moderately comforting mantra that pops into my head anytime I think about the transience of things in our lives.  Which is often since moving to San Francisco, as this whole experience has been a constant struggle to develop permanency.  A struggle I am determined to win.  But as an awesome summer ends or another play closes or I lose touch with another person, I find myself confronting the natural ebb and flow of life around me.  A little more salient than "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da, Life goes on", I guess, this lyric rings in my mind, and I'm kind of okay with it all for a second.

P.S.  Speaking of transience:  I first learned this song when I was like 20, and it blew my mind when I realized that I am now older than he was when he is singing the song "I was 21 years when I wrote this song/I'm 23 now but I won't be for  long."  Yep, in my version of the song he says 23.  Time hurries on and the leaves that are green turn to brown.

Distance

"Distance" Christina Perri ft. Jason Mraz

I didn't know this existed.  I love these two.  Honestly, I haven't met a Christina Perri song I haven't liked.  And I love that it's a duet.

Babel

I'm writing a lot right now, and oddly, I'm not drawing at all.  My latest journal is all short stories so far.  I'm writing about all the the things I usually draw about.  The things that pop into my brain between hitting snooze.  Things that I wish could happen.  Emotions that I want to work through.  I've been listening to Mumford's Babel since it came out, and it seems to tell a very clear story.  Kind of the same way the Florence + the Machine's Ceremonials has a very clear a "I don't know how to say 'I love you'" through-line.   You may not agree with me, but this is the story I hear:

~ <3 ~

They met and they fell in love.  It was pretty uneventful except that it was quick.  Maybe they didn't even know they were in love; they just knew that they liked being together, a lot.

At first, he felt like she had saved him.  Saved him from some darkness, some hatred, within him.  He was elated.  He loved every minute with her.

But then, and he can't explain way, this suffocating fear crept in.  Fear of what he didn't know.  He just felt like he couldn't breathe anymore.  It overwhelmed him; his fear, his need.  He wanted to be alone, but couldn't stand it.  He was losing himself, he thought.

So when a woman, another woman, a beautiful woman, put an arm around him and flattered him, he saw a different way.  There was a way out for him.  This woman whispered in his ear and wound fingers through his hair.  Making him drunk.  Making him free.

He didn't hide what he did.  He hated himself for it.  He'd loved her and he'd thrown it away.

Wandering home that night, in the dark and cold, he knew he was destroying everything.

Her eyes burned with spite when he told her.  She grew cold and fierce, lashed out.  And he only sat there, feeling he deserved it all.

"Goodbye," he whispered as she left.  He was broken and weak, but for a brief moment, he thought he gulped air.

In time, he found himself empty and wandering again.  He hated the beautiful woman who'd intoxicated him.  He blamed her, he blamed himself, he blamed the girl he once loved.  He blamed them all.  He mourned his loss and found his freedom debilitating.

He was adrift.

He wondered if she still cared for him.  Some nights, he would pass by her house and look for the lights behind the blinds.  "Goodnight," he'd say when he couldn't find them.

Somehow he got in touch with her.  He mumbled his apologies, something he had neglected months before.  He never asked forgiveness, though.  Or let her know his pain.  Staring across the table, he tried to convince them both that it was all for the best.  He didn't know that she didn't believe it either.  He didn't know that she wanted him to ask for forgiveness.  She so desperately wanted to give it.

"How do you expect me to trust you?"  She asked.
He couldn't answer.
"I will wait," he muttered instead.

They left in silence, without resolution.  And he knew he loved her then.

Little Talks

Internet:  Mel, you aren't blogging every two days, what a refreshing change!  I mean-- we missed you!
Mel:  Thanks, Internet, it's nice to know you care.

Seriously though, I need to get my body acclimated to this new, relentless schedule because it's not going to slow down anytime soon.  It's making it hard to sleep.  Honestly, I devote a lot of time to leisure and without it, I'm in kind of a weird place.  The first week of school involved struggling to fall asleep, then waking up multiple times to cough.  I overcame that thanks in large part to Nighttime Robitussin.  This week, I'm falling asleep fine on my own.  But now I'm having weird dreams.  Last night I jerked awake from a nightmare guest starring Luke.  I don't remember what it was about, but I just know that I didn't appreciate it all.

My new hipster glasses finally came in the mail from Virginia after a long and harrowing journey.  They look awesome.  As one of my kids said they are "nerd glasses".  Oddly enough, she said that as a compliment.  As in "Melissa, I like your nerd glasses".

My bangs are becoming an issue.  Stringy and in my face.  I think they are going to end up growing out.

I am continually fighting the urge to become a brunette.  Financially it would be much more sensible.  And generally less of a hassle.  But each time I look in the mirror, it just seems too weird.

I am reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  Don't.  Just don't.  Whatever myriad of excuses you have to do so, fight them.  It isn't worth it.  These books make me so angry.  But like with most men, I'm not willing to let go of them until I've seen this thing all the way through to the end.  Even though I'm not enjoying myself and it clearly isn't working out, I have to let this thing run it's course to the end in the hopes that it will redeem itself and actually be pleasant at some point.  I will most likely post on my pure hatred for the Fifty Shades Trilogy after I've finished all three books, but not yet not until I have all the facts.

My three new fave songs are:

"Dear Avery" by the Decemberists

"Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men

"Rivers and Roads" by The Head and the Heart

They are going to be at Hardly Strictly and you KNOW I will be at that concert.

Dancing on My Own

Freshman year, when we were about 18 and 19 respectively, Nate and I had "a talk".  We were in the UC Dining Hall for lunch, just the two of us.  A regularity.  It was probably between classes, or we wouldn't have been all the way over there.  One of us, probably me, was eating a bright green apple.  I don't remember if I had planned this conversation, if I had talked to my friends about how "I just need to say something to him", or if I just blurted it out.  It felt blurted out.

"Look, this-- us-- just isn't gonna happen."
He gives me this look somewhere between, "What isn't gonna happen?" and "DUH."
Pregnant pause.
"Mmkay," he finally manages and continues eating.
He's looking at me expectantly, waiting for the conversation to go in a different direction.  He's trying to act as if I said something as innocuous and impersonal as, "Look, finishing this paper tonight, just isn't gonna happen."
"I mean, like, we're never gonna date or anything... you get that, right?"
He gives up on feigning ignorance.
"Well, yeah," he says, "but I can't stop the way I feel about you."

I think about that moment a lot recently.  "But I can't stop the way I feel about you."  It's hard to articulate why that's on my mind all the time.  Though I bet you can guess.  I also think about the fact that we dealt with that realization, accepted and moved on from that, and 7 years later we have a successful, functional friendship devoid of that kind of underlying tension.

Ironically, it was Nate who said to me the other day, "Biddy, just let it go."
"Don't you think I would if I could?"

You Think You're a Man

Full Frontal - Queer As Folk Season 1 Soundtrack

No Light No Light

(No Light No Light: Florence + the Machine)

I'm dealing with a lot of relationship angst right now and this song speaks to it. I envision this as a partner dance piece where the girl is like continually throwing herself on the male dancer and he's throwing her off.  There's a bed involved that she launches herself from and lands on.  There's a lot of running and jumping involved and spinning. Very physical theatre dance fight.  There's also a moment like that moment during the dance competition in Dirty Dancing where Baby knocks her head from side to side with her hands above her head, except in this piece the female dance does that motion, but he's holding her by the wrist and she's on her knees.  There's also a moment when it slows down when he grabs her from behind and they kind of slow motion grind and breathe in tandem before she pushes him off.

(SYTYCD: Garden)
Something with the rawness of this.

 

(SYTYCD: Fallin')
And with the intensity of this.

(SYTCD: Hometown Glory)
 The movement vocabulary of this.

(SYTYCD: Mercy)
And the futility of this.

All the videos are from "So You Think You Can Dance" and totally worth watching.

Lost Without Each Other

One of my favorites.  Read the lyrics.

"Lost Without Each Other"

I ran into your best friend today 

Twelve nights since you ran away 

I asked about you and she said, can't say, can't say 

I'm feeling lonely and it seems to stay 

It's been a while since I felt that way 

Well, I can tell you there's no room to play this game 

All I know is what I'm missing 

What I'm missing is your kissing 

Are you listening 

Don't go, don't go telling me you're alright 

There's no room for getting uptight 

Don't go saying that you're OK 

When you're lonely 

Baby, don't go telling me we're over 

When you know you're my one and only lover 

And I won't go saying that we're OK when we're 

Lost without each other 

'Cause we're lost without each other 

'Cause we're lost without each other 

I didn't mean to start the last big fight 

You never should have hung up that night 

All I want to do is make things right 

Make it right 

Listen, with all the choices that we chose to make 

And all the promises we chose to break 

We were busy making big mistakes, yesterday 

All I know is what I'm missing 

What I'm missing is your kissing 

Are you listening 

Don't go, don't go telling me you're alright 

There's no room for getting uptight 

Don't go saying that you're OK 

When you're lonely 

Baby don't go telling me we're over 

When you know you're my one and only lover 

And I won't go saying that we're OK when we're 

Lost without 

I can tell you one thing 

We're not better on our own 

I'm tired of running from my feelings 

Are you listening 

All I know is what I'm missing 

What I'm missing is your kissing 

Are you listening 

Don't go, don't go telling me you're alright 

There's no room for getting uptight 

Don't go saying that you're OK 

When you're lonely 

Baby, don't go telling me we're over 

When you know you're my one and only lover 

And I won't go saying that we're OK when we're 

Lost without each other 

Lost without each other