Infatuation

Freshman year of college, Nate and I were obsessed with each other.  Inseparable.  Disgustingly infatuated. Chemicals coursing through our brains were telling us that this person was wonderful and flawless and the only person to give the time of day to.

Now before you get too far into this post, I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about romance or love even, I'm talking about infatuation.  The kind of infatuation Leslie Knope has for Ann Perkins.

That kind of drugged feeling.  You see the best in the other person and you don't fight.  We all know it.  We've all been there.  And we all know, it doesn't last.

For example, I remember when the infatuation between Nate and I broke. If we had been a couple, it's when we would have split up.  And if we had been a couple, we may have never spoken again.  That was certainly my intention.

It happened over the summer,  I had finally become aware of him as a reality.  I was disappointed that he wasn't the person I thought he was.  There wasn't some secret, better, more mature, more communicative Nathan that he was hiding away.  He was who had always been and without realizing it, I had always expected him to be more.  So I yelled at him and told him I couldn't handle a friendship with someone like him.

 I can't honestly tell you how or when we started talking again.  But rules around friendships are loose and fluid, so we just did.  We weren't ever as involved in each other's lives as we had been freshman year, and it took several more explosive episodes for me to work through the reality of us being friends without the benefit of infatuation.  But we figured it out.  Obvi.

Now, the thing is, this situation happens all the time.  In relationships.  Except the end is different.  You don't start talking again.  You make an effort to not talk again.  And why is that?

I mean, the bubble bursts and you look around and you aren't in love.  Sure.  That happens all the time.  So what? That means you aren't friends?  You didn't find each other pleasant and entertaining for the last couple months?  You won't continue to find each other pleasant and entertaining?

I mean, don't get me wrong, sometimes you aren't actually friends.  The relationship was a whole bunch of square pegging in a round hole.  Then it makes sense that you don't keep in touch.  There are a lot of people I don't try to be friends with.  But I never really got around to liking them as people.  Through the whole romantic interaction, it was about something different.  About filling a need or boosting my self-esteem or passing the time or grounding myself.  It wasn't necessarily about the other person, who they were didn't matter so much.

And you've got to understand, that's the message I get when I'm faced with a wall of silence after a break-up.  Whether it's true or not, it's the only explanation I can wrap my mind around.  Because it's the only time I don't pursue a friendship after a break-up.  It's as good as walking up to me and saying, "I wasn't interested in dating you, I was interested in dating."  or "I'm sorry, but you just ended up being someone I can't really stand."

So you can see why this is hard for me to mellow out about can't you?

[source]
I don't often relate to Pinkie Pie, but when she was waiting for Rainbow Dash to write to her from the Wonderbolts Academy… well, I feel ya, you obnoxious pink ball of fluff.

Intoxication

When I was in college, I dated this guy I didn't like.  But the whole time we were together, I didn't know it.   I was young, and he was 6'2" with broad freckled shoulders, so I honestly thought I kind of loved him.  We fought constantly, and I never understood a thought that passed through his head. I thought he was haughty, condescending, and insensitive.  In response I became manipulative and fragile.  I cannot overstate how little we could stand each other.  But again, for 6 - 8 months he was my world.

I can't tell you how many times I've made that mistake.

In grad school, I dated a guy who loved Jesus, Natty Lite, and Will Ferrell movies.  But he was blonde and ran track, so it was figured it was kind of working out.  Luckily, that only lasted a couple weeks.

Freshman year of college, I dated one of Nate's best friends.  I could honestly stop there, but on top of that we had nothing in common.  Though he did play bass, so... might as well date him for a month and get totally hung up on him.

As much as I love it, infatuation is a strange drug that warps the way you see the person across from you.  The first couple months of a relationship are like walking into a bar with a stranger and getting hosed.  You just hope you both feel the same way when you sober up.  And unfortunately, you rarely do.

As time's gone on, I've tried to take a closer and closer look at that other person before I walk into the bar at all.  Lingered longer at the door.  Nursed my infatuation more slowly.

Unfortunately, not everyone has dated someone they basically hate.  And therefore hasn't learned to be infatuated responsibly.  They tumble in headfirst, swept up in romance, and limbs, and professions of awe, never bothering to think how hurtful those things will be when they sober up and admit things aren't necessarily how they said they were.

I hate the infatuation stage of relationships.  They are full of such beautiful and mundane lies.  "You're so funny" "I like cats"  "I love spending time with you" "Your religion doesn't bother me".  I never feel secure in the beginning of relationships.  I always worry one or both of us will sober up and realize we'd been lying the whole time.  Not on purpose.  Not maliciously.  But because we were drunk.  And that's what you do when you're drunk.  You lie.  Some lies are obvious: "I could settle down in the next couple of years." Some lies are more subtle:  "Trust me this is gonna work long distance."  And some lies I fall for every time:  "Of course we'll stay friends."

Manic Pixie Dream Girl

I have this insecurity around being perceived as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.  A kind of Zooey Deschanel in [500] Days of Summer.  A beautiful nerd-dream of woman.  I've got a cute smile, nice butt, funky clothes, and a moderate amount of quirk.  I worry that when men meet me, they see an idea, an opportunity, rather than the person who is actually there.  "Woah, she's hot and she makes Star Wars references… she's so different."  They become instantly and overwhelming infatuated with who they think I am.

500_1L.jpg

They pursue me and in the beginning everyone is happy because they are seeing me through these Manic-Pixie-colored glasses.  They spout professions of awe, and constantly talk about how lucky or happy they are.  Their feelings are unsettlingly unrestrained as they think of me as their Penny Lane, their Summer, their Holly Golightly.  But as time wears on, it becomes harder and harder to shoe-horn me into this ideal.  My reality starts showing through the cracks.  And they become dissatisfied.  Unhappy that I'm not living up.

And most of all, most of all, I worry that this is why we always stop talking after we break up.  Not because of any pain, propriety, cluelessness, or casual drifting apart, but because the reality of me is so unsatisfyingly different from what they had imagined that they can't tolerate interacting with me. They never actually liked me, they only liked the idea of me.

A Knight's Tale

And on a lighter note:

From Cracked.com

How do you become best friends?

Now I think most of you in the internet know that I love San Francisco, but I'm terribly lonely.  I've met  a lot of people, but I've had a hard time making friends. Good friends. Best friends.

Let me start by clarifying what I mean when I say "best friend".

• you can go over to their house to just hang out
• you can go out on adventures together
• you can call without wanting to talk about something
• you can call if you need to talk about something

Basically, a best friend to me is someone you don't have to think about.  You are friends.  You just are. You don't clean your apartment before they come over and you don't tone down your crazy.  You're just each other.  

I post a lot on here about "Click".  That moment when you're talking to someone new and you know that this person works.  Clicking feels instantaneous.  You can practically hear it. It's not always the first moment with someone, or the first time with someone.  But you know it when it happens.

For William, it was that staff dinner after setting up camp.  For Willow, it was that carpool home after training.  For Luke, it was that stupid dead Christmas tree.  Toph, when we started studying together.   Pete, that first summer of grad school.  Andy, our first date.  Nate, sometime during our Freshman Seminar.

Clicking is random.  You have no control over it.  It's just chemistry.

Clicking is not something I'm struggling with to be honest.  I've clicked out here.

It's maintenance.

All those people I listed were best friend material.

All those people met the criteria I listed.  In the beginning.  For a month or six or twelve.  But how do you push past that?  How do you move past the Click and the new-friend-infatuation, and become real, true friends?  Friends that last?

Friends that can fight.  Friends you can depend on to be there.  Friends that don't just stop talking.

I think you have to love each other.  You have to care that you aren't hanging out or chatting or whatever… Toph and I aren't friends anymore because neither of us really cared when we stopped talking.  Willow and I aren't friends because she didn't notice when we stopped hanging out.

So I guess the question becomes how do you make sure you care?  How do you
fall in love with someone?

Teaching Fifth Grade

There are so many emails I receive that I just don't understand.  Cycle of Inquiry Draft Schedule.  Union News.  Prep Schedule Inequity.  Preferred dates for field trips based on prep/testing schedules... for March.  How should I know?  How should I know the answers to anything.

I feel like totally mindblown about how I'm supposed to make this curriculum connect to the standards. And a lot of the time I feel like I don't even know what the curriculum is supposed to be.  When I was hired it was "We collaborate on everything."  Now they've added, "But we all do our own thing really."  So I ask about the math program and get three ideas on how to launch the it and even what it is.

I'm in the farthest corner of campus in a little portable.  I feel like I'm hiding in a darkened corner of the homecoming dance my freshman year.

And then back to the fuss about standards.  Am I teaching to those?  How do I know?  They give me these workbooks and textbooks and curriculum maps and pacing guides and... do they teach the standards?  I've been teaching for 3 weeks, and aside from reading the English Language Arts Standards once, I couldn't tell you for the life of me what they are.  Why was this so much less complicated in VA?  Is it just the beginning of the school year?  B/c we're establishing routines and stuff?

And then people talk about "Grade Level" all the time.  So I'm giving all these assessments I've been given, and let's just talk about how I don' t know what score equals grade level.  And then the kids are like "when are we going to do our first play?" And did you know there's no art teacher?  And I don't think classroom teachers are responsible for picking up the slack.  So yeah, no art instruction.  So yeah... note to self, hope I don't forget that.

That being said, I really enjoy the things I DO understand.  Leading groups of kids.  Talking about writing (though I have no idea what fifth grade reading strategies are).  The few days I have time for Social Studies/Geography.

And being on a schedule is really great for me.

I've been grocery shopping two weekends in a row.  I'll probably do laundry this weekend.  I eat/cook every night and drink alone less.  I'm planning on reordering my CSA to make sure I have variety of fresh, local, organic veggies.  And as much as I ADORE William, having limited access to him (i.e. only a couple times on Skype) is probably really helpful for this "being a productive adult" thing.  Because if I could just call him up to go out exploring, God knows I wouldn't be wasting time on groceries and laundry.

Agenda

1. Make soup
2. Take shower
3. Skype William
4. Go to bed
5.  Wake up
6.  Eat breakfast
7.  Bike to work?
8.  Decipher the math textbook/curriculum/nonsense
9.  Make all the copies

If I only had Twitter followers

Tweet-like things that popped in my head today:

I know it's archaic and probably perpetuates the patriarchy or something, but I kind of want to go by Miss instead of Ms.  #itjustlooksprettier

Just found out I can take my bike on BART anytime until December 1.  #bikingtowork #bikeculture

Actually getting excited for tomorrow. #stilldon'thavealessonplan

Anyway, school starts tomorrow and I just got off Skype with William.  Goodnight everyone.  Hopefully I can sleep.  Hopefully I have enough planned.  Hopefully I won't get a migraine tomorrow too.

Drifter

I've fallen out of love with San Francisco.  I've been here almost two years and I still don't have anything to hold me here.  Anytime I connect with someone they are out of my life so quickly.  While I like the culture and the things around, the reality of it is that I'm disconnected.  Floating around here.  The people I hang around with feel distant from me emotionally.  The people I am connected with are distant from me physically.  I'm tired of trying to make this work.  I've been thinking about this a lot.  I'm feeling ready to move.  I want to move closer to the East Coast.  Closer to my family and friends.  Luckily that gives me literally the entire United States to choose from... except from Portland and Seattle.  But I hear those are just as overcast as SF so I didn't want to go there anyway.

I don't want to move alone again.  I'm trying to get Nate [and by proxy his girlfriend Bex] on board to move with me.  Then we could do a Marshall/Lily/Ted thing wherever we go.  Which could be great.  And if not, then the obvious choice is D.C..  Aside from half of WM (grad and undergad) being in D.C. still, there's my family, Pete, and Toph.  The transition back while jarring, seems like it would be an alleviation of this constant struggle to find people I connect to.  Not to mention the theater scene out there makes WAY more sense to me than SF's... and I don't know why that is.  So yet another avenue for friendships.  And who knows, maybe Nate and Bex would stay around that area too even if we weren't living together.

I like choosing to be alone.  I hate being forced to be alone.  I just feel.. so disconnected.

Also I miss William.

San Francisco Staycation

OR The Muppets Take Manhattan [if we are the muppets and San Francisco is Manhattan and the story line is completely different]

OR Two Introverts Walk into a Bar [if one is too young to go to a bar]

So William officially moved to Texas Saturday morning, and lemme say, I am oh so sad.  But before that happened we spent a week exploring the Bay Area and indulging our mutual hatred of most people.  Here are the spoils:

Okay, so William's idea of a good time is staying in and watching Doctor Who.  Now, I can be into that sometimes, but especially if I've got another person I like an adventure.  So Monday was our chill day.  Meaning we've only got one picture... from brunch at Eats. 

Tuesday, and maybe my favorite day, was to Point Reyes to hike.  Wake up early, beautiful drive, beautiful hike, picnic lunch.  My favorite kind of day.

We picnicked over at Arch Rock.  While we were hiking I told William the story of The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, Sister Act II, and like a bunch of other movies because he had a sad and depraved childhood/hadn't seen them.

Wednesday: My favorite picture from the week/fave shirt I've seen him wear. On the way to the Exploratorium.

Upside down reflection at the vision/perception area of the Exploratorium.

Colored shadows.

Ever stoic William inWashington Square Park after lunch in Chinatown and gelato in North Beach.

Thursday was another mellow day b/c William was tutoring, so we didn't get going until later at night.  After dinner [and a few too many Sangrias] at Soma Streat Food, we headed over to Dolores Park Playground.  Here he is laying down some sick beats on the rainbow drums.

And here I am failing at "the ground is lava."

Friday:  The one and only picture from Santa Cruz before we had to turn around prematurely for literally no reason.  I'm sorry, I am going to be mad about that for a long time  It was a beautiful day in Santa Cruz and a terrible, horrible, depressing day in SF (think 77 and sunny with a breeze vs. 59 and overcast with cold mist).  And nothing was achieved by returning to SF early that couldn't have been achieved later except making me drive 4 hours in a five hour span.  That being said:  nice eyelashes.

And then he left for Texas for forever and I spent the next two days in my apartment pouting and hating on SF because that is apparently how I grieve.

I just wanna say

I had a great day today. It started by me waking up after being asleep for 13 hours.  Then I tidied everything and did all the dishes while watching How I Met Your Mother.  Awesome.  Then I made some french toast with nutmeg. I did some exercising/strength training to Amy Winehouse.  Then I took a shower and went to pick up William.  I saw his very over-excited puppy and we went grocery shopping for our epic upcoming week.  Then, ironically we ordered take-out.  Ending with a ton of Doctor Who and/or William falling asleep.  Guh-reat day.

Mini-Road Trip OR All bowling alley parking lots look the same

So basically William and I went up to Sebastopol on Sunday for a poetry slam his biffle was hosting, and we stopped for lunch and bowling on the way.  These are a few photos.

The theme of this photoset is:  1950's Americana OR William is totally going to turn Rockabilly when he moves to Texas.

Are you drinking a malt right now? 

Nice hair Kenickie....  no but seriously, nice hair.

And then we played pool at the bowling alley.  After bowling and playing air hockey of course.  We had a lot of time to kill.

The end.  But seriously, great weekend.  Oh and also William won the poetry slam.  You go Glen CoCo.

Missed you.

"Hey Mel,  long time no blog!"

Thanks internet, I know right?  I've been hella busy.  And not even like the kind of busy where I'm like "let me share some amazing stories!"  Just like the "and then I went to work, and then I went to practice, and then I didn't have time to get groceries" busy.

Like I am constantly doing things, that are very boring and not worth blogging about.

I am seeing someone, however.  But that's all I'll say about that because it's new and probably too brief and those things are always fragile.