Epic New Years Adventure

Oh man.  I am so wiped out.  I've been all over and spent so much time in the car the past couple of days.

I love the people I love.

On Sunday I drove up to Delaware to spend the night with Nate and his girlfriend.  I envy their little one-bedroom apartment, queen-bed, I-love-you lifestyle.  I think I'll really enjoy living with a significant other.

The high-point of my time there was definitely when Nathan introduced me as his "best friend".  I mean, I think of him that way, but perceptions of relationships aren't always reciprocal.  It just made me feel pretty cool.  Like "That's right, I'm someone's best friend."

After spending 24 hours wondering how two such incredibly different people could end up being so tight, I got in my car and drove back to Virginia to meet my friend Pete for New Year's.

New Year's is usually one of those "let-down" holidays (supposed to be awesome, but tends to be lame), but I had tons of fun last night.  I wore an awesome green dress of my sisters and we party hopped.  I played a lot of Just Dance for the Kinect.  I also met a lot of D.C. people that were all my age or younger, but all seemed so much older than me.  All kinds of married and career driven; it reminded me why I left D.C. in the first place.  It was great though, even if the DJ at the bar we ended up at was awful.  He kept playing 80's music,  he even went so far as to mix an 80's beat over a Ke$ha song (if anything, mix a Ke$ha beat into an 80's song).  We kept requesting Whitney Houston, and he just like couldn't be bothered.  No worries though, because we rocked out to it when we got to Pete's.

After breakfast with Pete, I drove over to Toph's place for Vietnamese for lunch and a viewing of Love Actually.  I've decided that I don't like it.  I understand that I am probably admitting that I have no soul or something, but in all those plots, I could only really buy into the one with the little boy. 

Overall all, I laughed a lot more these past three days than I have in a long time. 

General Tsao's Tofu

We had this unofficial ritual in grad school; on Fridays we'd get off from work, drive to Norfolk, order the best Chinese from this place near Safeway, watch that week's Criminal Minds on DVR.  We'd rag on the shitty writing in the new season, but still freak out about Emily Prentiss' eminent doom.  Usually by the time we started Kitchen Nightmares, I'd had enough beer, Chinese food, and school children to fall asleep on the couch.  If I managed to stay awake, I'd marvel at how Gordon Ramsay could be so angry, and how those people could get so defensive when they are holding the reins of a dying business.  After Gordon Ramsay the apartment would start to fill up, people would start trickling home.  It was an easy, casual, delicious, wonderful existence.

I find myself craving that casual Friday night feel.  Where you can just kick back and be with someone you genuinely enjoy being around.  You can kind of talk, but it doesn't have to be important.  No one is trying hard to be awesome, you're just hanging out.

C'mon, who doesn't love a good episode about our dear, probably schizophrenic Dr. Spencer Reid?

IQ of 187? Eidetic Memory?  Familiar, much?

No Strings Attached

The Plain White T's "Rhythm of Love" was the closing theme from the movie No Strings Attached?!  If there isn't some cosmic force pulling strings together around me than I don't know what's going on.

I LOVED this song when I first came out.  LOVED it.  Played it all the time on Toph's guitar in Fall 2010.  Consequently, I refused to see No Strings Attached or the Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake version of that movie (until this morning) because I was too busy living that story line with Topher.  And now I find out that the like theme song of that semester is also the theme song to the theme movie of that semester?

Things make so much and so little sense some times.

Click

When Rolfe and I finally broke-up (because for those of you who don't know it was a long and arduous process characterized by unfettered tears and constant denial) he tried to tell me it wasn't me, it wasn't him, it was us.  We didn't like each other.  Simple enough.  At the time, I was so full of self-doubt and self-loathing that I didn't believe him.  I was convinced that I had destroyed our relationship.  By being too clingy, too needy, too sensitive, too stressed, too awkward, too me.  Everything I was, was wrong: unlovable, disagreeable, and generally infuriating.  I clung to that for months.  It wasn't until I met Andy that I realized Rolfe was right.  About 15 minutes into our first date, I got it.  We were sitting at a table at Aroma's, Andy in black and grey was assuring me that every kid has a chubby phase, then telling some story about chubby 8 year old Andy face-planting on a skateboard, and in the back of my mind I was like, "Oh my god, this is what Rolfe meant.  This is so easy.  We get along."

It was this big epiphany for me.  I wasn't the problem.  I wasn't a problem.  Just because I was quiet didn't mean I was awkward.  Just because I was clingy didn't mean I was needy.  Just because I was stressed didn't mean I was about to break.  It wasn't always my fault.

Ever since that eye-opening date, I've been acutely aware of that fact that some people just "click".  Conversely, you can be great friends with someone, and hang out, and have a good time, but still consistently miss the mark.  You know what I mean, there are lulls in conversation, you run out of things to talk about, you have to wrack your brain for things to say.  And I'm not talking about dating here, I'm talking about life, friendships, work, interactions, people.

There are some people in the world who will get along with 90% of the people they meet, then there are people like me: who only get along with about 10%.  If I don't find them infuriating in some way, then they are probably intimidating, boring, or we just don't... click.  I try to be friendly with everyone, but anyone who's met me can tell you straight away that I don't always [often?] succeed.  On the flip side, there are some people I can talk to all day.  I don't know what it is.  I never wonder self-consciously if they even care about my story (and my stories, like my blog posts are VER-fucking-BOSE), or if we hang out too much, and never have to roll through my lists of small-talk conversations starters ("So tell me more about your job.", "This weather, huh?").  Maybe those people are the 90%-ers; maybe they fill in the gaps when I stop talking; maybe they make me feel comfortable prattling on about myself; maybe I care to know about them, so I feel like it's okay to tell them about me. I don't know.  I don't know what makes people click.  What makes me click.

This past week I've been trying to figure that out.  I'm still mostly alone out here on the west coast and I'm wondering why.  The same thing happened when I lived in D.C.; I spent an entire year up there, dated, made friends, and didn't meet a single person I really connected with or am still in touch with.  I'm wracking my brain trying to remember how I I got to know those people in my life that I really connected with.

Like Nathan.  We sat next to each other in class. "Oh you're taking Greek Archaeology and Art at 12:30, too?  Let's go down together... Oh, you have a break now, too?  Let's grab lunch... Oh, you're watching Back to the Future in your dorm?  That's my favorite movie too!  I'm gonna come over to watch it."  And come over.  And come over.  And come over.  And we just... clicked.  I couldn't replicate that if I tried.  And I try.  Somehow saying "let's grab lunch next week" has never quite worked out the same way.

Or what about Toph?  "Let's get together and study for this exam.  Oh man, our brains work the same way, we study well together... we should get blasted drunk before classes start again... fuck drinks let's go to the beach all night... I'm gonna come over to study." And come over and come over and come over.

I dunno.  You know when you meet those people.  Those people that are easy to talk to.  That you are interested in knowing.  And are interested in knowing you.  Where coming over feels natural, and not a burden.  You never have to ask "Do you mind if I hang out a bit?"  Those people you stay up with until 4 am just talking and you're like "Shit where'd the time go?"  The one's where words and emotions flow like you're drunk.  Where a quick "Hi" turns into 20 minutes in the cold.  You know.  And until them you're just treading water.

NYE

New Years Eve was the first holiday out here where I had absolutely no plans.  I was completely alone.  It had the potential to be crushingly sad.  And while I admit a lot of champagne, a midnight kiss, and a room full of smiling faces would have been optimal, I think it actually worked out.

I had actually received two (mostly drunken) invitations to parties down in SoCal (Luke would cringe if he knew I was calling it that).  Palm Springs and L.A (though the Palm Springs invite had long since been rescinded).  They never would have happened, but it's a nice to be asked, right?

Instead I found a Walking Dead marathon on AMC and settled into a night of getting to know the zombie phenomenon.  I opted against breaking into my remaining Blue Moons; I did a lot of drinking the first couple days after Luke and I broke up, and I've gotta say I got over it quickly.  At the time it was nice to feel hollow and to find a way to stop crying, but after visiting Toph and taking a swig every time I had a hint of how I was really feeling I just started to feel scungy.  I stopped drinking half-way through the night, sobered up, decided it was better to feel sad, and drove home while Toph and his girl were asleep.  On my way back, I got lost on 395.  The only car on the road, I drove in endless circles and ended up in the very foreign feeling capital city.  By the time I got home an hour later, I knew I was over it.  Over drinking, over feeling sad, over feeling hollow, over it.  I wanted to come back to San Francisco and see those sunsets and those kids and feel excited and optimistic again.  I still had a couple more days left in D.C. and a couple more days of sadness, but I haven't been drunk since.  At first the idea of drinking at all was repulsive, but now the lure of a good party with good dancing is too strong.  The idea of drinking alone, however, still sounds awful; those Blue Moons might be there for awhile.

So anyway, I watched Walking Dead until about 11:45 when I switched it over to New Year's Rocking Eve with Dick Clark.  I know New Years had already happened in New York, and I was totally cheating by watching the recorded broadcast, but it's kind of a tradition for me to watch the ball drop at midnight.  I don't know if people do that here on the West Coast, but I did.  It was nice.  And I could hear the fireworks going on somewhere over by the bay.  I got a little misty eyed.  It was nice.  I sent/responded to a couple "Happy New Years" texts, practiced The Sound of Silence on my piano again, and went to bed.

And that was New Years Eve.  It was nice.

P.S.

A lot of people reflect and look forward at this time of year, I normally wait for my birthday to get all sentimental or bitter about the past year ("God, 22 sucked, I hope 23 is better"... It wasn't by the way, that first year out of college just blows).  Besides I reflect and look forward constantly.  But I will say this: if 2012 is even half the adventure that 2011 was, it's gonna be a good year.

I am happy that

• Kristopher Morris called me back
• There is a Criminal Minds marathon on
• Pete and I joked around about religion
• My chili was delicious
• Abigail may move here next year

Creating Roots

I've noticed, that when moving to a new place full of new people there is this weird period of time where you think you are making friends and you are getting to know people, but in reality that's not happening at all.  Because one day later you meet someone who is just instantly your very best friend and everything becomes easy.  You stop worrying about "what am I going to do this weekend" and how you are going to meet people.  You have this friend that you feel comfortable calling up and being like "I'm gonna come hang out".  You don't think about what to do, it just happens.  You're just comfortable.  In college it was Nate, and in grad school it was Toph.  I was putting all this energy into getting to know people, and going out, and then I met these boys and suddenly it was easy.  I had THE friend, so I had friends.  I had plans.  

Right now I'm in that weird transition stage where I am trying very hard to make friends.  I can tell it's not working. I go out with my co-workers and we either just miss the mark or I'm worried it's some kind of date (depending on the co-worker), Bobby has become a casual day-date kind of friend, and with everyone else it's clear I'm just passing through their well-establish circle of friends.  "Oh hi, this is Melissa, she's new here".

I'm not exactly stressed out about this because I know one of these guys, these key friends are on their way. But at the same time when I turn down a party because I don't want to go as my co-worker's date, or I come home to an apartment of closed doors, it's hard not to miss the ease of those relationships.  That say-whatever-you're-thinking attitude: be it "Your chili looks gross", "This isn't going to happen between us", or simply "What are we doing tonight?".

Before I moved out here Andy asked me something along the lines of "How do you create roots?"  The best I can guess is to just sit back and let them grow naturally.  But sometimes being patient is hella annoying.

Thanks Biddy

A shout out to my biffle, Nathan, who I can always count on to support my less-than-responsible decision making and somehow spin it to sound like a good choice.  Love you.

Saying Good-bye

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile, but just haven't had a good time.

Before I left I had a chance to say good-bye to a lot of people in my life. It was funny, how indicative of our relationships they became. Our last meetings really summed up, in my mind, our experiences together.

The adventure actually began with Rolfe. We reconnected briefly, until he said something that I thought was haughty/demeaning, so I said something that he thought sounded defensive/offensive, and everything spiraled out of control until I figured it wasn't worth the effort and took all the blame for the conversation. Every conversation we've ever had. In. A. Nutshell.

Laura: We went to Red Robin, talked about her job, and my crazy idea to move west and sat at the bar for far longer than I'm sure the bartender wanted. It was like I had never left for grad school. Like no time had passed at all.

Topher: who I wish I could have brought with me. We didn't even say good-bye; a week before I left we got drunk, made fools of ourselves, and then I left the house very early in the morning getting a groggy "see ya" from under the covers. Ours is a relationship that doesn't need formal good-byes, it's very comfortable, very natural, very easy. When I told him later that I was nervous about the move he said "No point worrying over something you can't know about." Good point.

Andy: After countless text messages and me thinking 'this isn't worth my time', I finally decide we are meeting for Mexican. The day-of he blows my mind by sending me a text saying "I'm really looking forward to our dinner." It's easy to forget he used to care about me, and maybe still does. He gave me some music, was dressed better than me, and smelled amazing. Again, sums things up pretty nicely. When I told him I was nervous he said "You should be." Haha. Another good point.

Nathan: At the last possible minute I went "Holy shit, I haven't seen you, I'm leaving soon". I drove out to Winchester, we played with a LOTR sword, called each other Biddy, made fun of an episode of Star Trek, and talked about things I don't remember now, and I doubt made sense at the time.

Pete: We talked about getting together, and maybe even made plans. But in the end, we just ended up gchatting about it all instead.

My Mom: Helped me move, played nurse when I was sick, and got addicted to my Glee Warbler's CD. We cried when I dropped her off, and I'm pretty sure she's texted me multiple times a day, every day since. She's still helping me figure my stuff out so maybe one day I can be an adult.

Love of my Life

After saying I should just move back to the East Coast and be his Arlington roommate:

topher: you better stay cause i wanna see the west coast

So simple. So sensible. Perfect.