Lightness Buzzing

Someone from my class today told me I looked like I had lost weight since he'd last seen me in November.  Which made me feel weird.  I think Portia DeRossi's memoir is still buzzing around my head. I had this weird tumblr soapbox moment when I wanted to be like "I know you're trying to compliment me, but I really try not to place any value on my weight anymore."  But I knew that sounded douchey because skipping lunch twice a week my senior year of college and insisting I have to wait 4-5 hours between meals isn't exactly an eating disorder or anything.  I think it's just the state of striving to be attractive in society right now.  Which is a bummer.

I really liked what Portia wrote in her book about eating not being something to regulate or think about.  Ever.  Just eat when you're hungry.  So I've been trying to do that.  Even though some point in college I learned how to ignore those hunger-signals completely, and started only eating when I got dizzy or hangry.  Which means I'm not actually entirely sure when I'm hungry anymore.  But now I err on the side of "if you have to ask, 'Am I hungry?' Then you probably are."  Which ends up being like all the time.  But I've decided to let that be okay.

At the same time, I find that I do better on a really regimented schedule (as with everything in my life, boundaries are my best friend).  Like okay, eat a big breakfast before work, great then eat something high protein on your morning break, great, eat a full meal for lunch, great, are you still hungry when you get off work, eat a snack, great, eat a snack while making dinner because you are actually really hungry, great, are you hungry 3 hours later before you go to bed, eat another snack, awesome.  Food intake: achieved.  Weekends?  Vacation days?  Then it all goes to shit.  Because I have to rely on those hard-to-discern hunger-signals and end up pushing my meals too far apart and don't snack on enough protein-rich foods.

I'm sorry if I sound like a total D talking about this stuff.  I feel like I am to weight conciousness as Dr. Carmella is to Introversion, right now.  I'm just trying to think through my situation.  Sorry if I'm coming off a little... tumblr-righteous right now.

Beautiful and Drastic

I don't think I'm gonna do it.  But we all know how I like short hair on girls right?  I've been fantasizing about a way to go short without getting another pixie cut.  And then I saw Carey Mulligan smile and decided she was just damn beautiful.  So now I'm just... just being infatuated with an idea is all.

Oh my god I didn't realize this saved as a gif.  Anyway.  That hair is fantastic.

Anyway, I probably won't cut my hair short anytime soon... because men don't like short hair as much. Horrible that I think that way isn't it?  Also, it would be so weird.  Also, I spent the past 4 years getting it this long.

I mean, aren't you just falling in love with her?

Cranky

I've been really busy the past couple of days, like going out to meet with people every night.  Going out during the day to meet people.  Working on applications.  I've got a job fair tomorrow.  Whatever.  It's making me hella cranky.  No joke.  Dear world.  Give me like an evening.  Just one please.

Introverted

TED Talk- "The Power of Introverts" Susan Cain

For whatever reason, for the past couple months, introversion has been a hot topic on the internet.  At least once a week it feels like someone posts some new something or other on "How to Treat Your Introvert" or "You know you're an introvert when..." or this video here.  Whatever.  I've just got to say:  I hate them.

I hate them.

Stop victimizing me.

Stop telling people how to act around me.

How to treat me.

What I supposedly need from you.

You know what?

I may be an introvert, but I'm not weak.  At all.  I am a grown-ass adult and I have the power, to say to another human being, without being awkward, or a total dick, that "I love you, but I need to just spend a night in."  Or "I'm so glad we went to that event, but man, am I drained."  Or "Lemme just think about it."  I can do those things.  And I don't need endless articles on the internet to coddle me and tell me it's okay that sometimes during a party I go to the bathroom just to look at my reflection and take a break from conversation.  

I mean, seriously. The Dr. Carmella's Guide to Understanding the Introverted one is the worst.  The second half is this step-by-step guide to interacting with an introvert.  Like I am not a fucking bear in the wild, you don't need a guide.  Just talk to me like a human and I PROMISE I will talk back.  In fact,  if you want to interact with, do the opposite of what this says.  Talk.  A lot.  And press for gossip.  I love to gossip.

 And this one makes it look like I could give a raging shit about social interactions. Can I tell you guys a secret?  I love concerts and crowded coffee shops and dance parties with actual people instead of a cat.

 I'm sorry.  Am I a new puppy?

Okay okay.  At least one had to get it right.  This happens to me all the time.  The number of times Andy looked at me with genuine concern in his eyes...

"Are you having fun?"

"... I'm drinking my beer, aren't I?  I'm in a conversation.'"

"Yeah but... you haven't said anything yet."

"I haven't?"

The point is, I am a competent human capable of expressing my needs.  Treat me like one, and I'll do the same for you, intro-, extro-, or ambiverted.

Aww Man.

You know when you like someone and they say something [kinda controversial] that you don't agree with for the first time.  And you're just like "Dammit, now my perception of you has totally changed."  And then it's like "But I can't talk to you about it because then you're perception of me will totally change."

Yeah.  That.

Pompadour Fade

I need to point out that I just spent an inordinate amount of time (like 30 minutes) figuring out what to call this mother fucking hair cut:

Because it's so damn hip and on trend.  And just looks freakin' tight.  Every time I pass that hip-as-shit barbershop on Valencia, I am overcome with an intense amount of jealousy for the opposite sex.  And/or consumed by the fantasy of meeting someone with enough style to have one of these.  I mean, let's just say:  if I was a dude, I know what my next hair cut would be.

 The best I can figure, it's called something along the lines of a pompadour fade.  Pompadour fade with a side part.  And apparently pomade is required.  And it's a good compliment to facial hair.  Fantastic.

Busy

My life is kind of a hot mess right now. 

Our apartment has descended into a kind of squalor it has never seen.  Like college-level mess.  It's redonk. 

I haven't done laundry in like 2 months.  That's hard to deal with even for me.

Someone else was using my credit card number, so I had to get a new one.  And update my online life.

I was sent to a summer camp conference in Palm Springs, CA.  Why don't I work at a resident camp?

I had people in town for two weeks.  Stress city.

I still haven't gotten any job interviews.  Or finished my application for SF.  How DO you deal with the achievement gap in your classroom?

I've been to the grocery store like once in the last 3 weeks, which isn't that big of a deal b/c we get this CSA box, but at the same time, the CSA box is only produce, so things like bagels, milk, proteins, are in short supply.

I haven't seen Sarah and Willow in like forever. 

I had to make the conscious choice to not make plans for today so that I could deal with all this nonsense.

A Script

You know how when you're sexually attracted to someone, and you feel like you've got a connection-- a Click if you will-- there's a kind of a prescribed dialogue in place to get to know them better.  A script, as it were.  Like say you meet through mutual friends:

You are hanging out with a group and you notice you like what this person keeps bringing to the conversation.  The feeling is clearly mutual.  You start catching each other's eyes when you talk, like "You're totally gonna get what I'm saying."  Eventually, one or both of you realizes what's going on, where this could lead, and you seize the opportunity.  If the conversation has any openings to ask about them you take it, "What do you do?  Where are you from?  What do you like?"  And it goes on like that for awhile.  Then when group's about to split up, to go home, you wonderfully, casually get their phone number or their facebook or whatever, so then later without the prying eyes of the group you can say "Hey, I was wondering if you'd like to get coffee."

And it's that easy.  Really the script is like a series of social cues and then one phrase.  And then you can get coffee and talk about them all day, because hell you know that's all you've wanted to do since you realized you were into them: learn. every. little. thing. about them.

So anyway, here's the thing.  What's the script for people you aren't sexually attracted to?  People that you just want to get to know.  Mainly, I find myself meeting women that I Click with, and really wanting to learn everything there is to know about them and spend time with them.  And I just don't know how to do it.  I find myself subconsciously reverting to the same script I'd use on men (which Abigail assures me is actually right).  But when it comes to the time to say, "Hey, you wanna get coffee?  I just want to get to know you better" it just sounds so weird.  There's just like an expedited pathway to getting to know someone if you attracted to them, but I feel like if a relationship's platonic it's got to develop a little more organically.

Maybe it doesn't, but I dunno.  Women are so hard.

Book Review for "Fifty Shades Freed"

Ohmygod this book has no plot.

OR

The day to day lives of two people confusing sexual infatuation with love.

OR

What it's like to marry someone you don't have a connection with.

Totally Gourmet

So we just started doing this CSA thing: aka $30 a week for more produce than you can handle.  And I've got to say I'm kind of loving it.  As someone who can (and has) cooked brussels sprouts for dinner every night for 4 months, it's pretty cool (so far) to have all these veggies I'd never dream of buying.  And if you think I'm just talking about the dandelion greens, you are sorely mistaken.  I'm talking about like... lettuce.  And arugula.

Anyway, I've been making a lot of really simple, but delicious things recently.  Things I wouldn't normally make, just because I don't have the ingredients.  Seriously, why would I ever choose to buy lettuce?

For dinner (yes, I eat dinner at 3:00 pm, don't judge, it's part of my new "eat when you're hungry not when you think is appropriate" nutrition plan, and it works so much better than everything else I have ever done)... anyway, for dinner I just made a fantastic open-faced sandwich:  Toasted walnut baguette, arugula, extra sharp cheddar cheese, eggs sunny-side up, and instead of salt/pepper I squeezed some lemon juice on top.  And I think that made it.

The other night I made nachos, with cheddar, black beans, lettuce, arugula, and guac (I cheated here and bought avocados and jalepenos).

And a couple days ago I used like half our eggs to attempt a Hollandaise sauce.  Which just turned into lemon-butter egg yolk scramble on top of poached eggs and garlic dandelion greens.  But it still tasted awesome.

This meal also guest starring:  Tater Tots, homemade roasted barley tea, and Fifty Shades Freed.  Yep, I just couldn't help myself.  It's as awful as the first two.