Price Tag

Every time I consider teaching full-time, there is one thing driving me.  It's not a love of teaching (which I don't have) or even a love of kids (which I have in spades); it's the money.

I'm not joking.  I know everyone says teachers are overworked and underpaid, and that is 100% true.  I'm not refuting that. But a teacher is paid more than a hostess, or a camp counselor, or a teacher's aide. A teacher is in the middle class. A teacher's aide is not.  They just aren't.

But seriously.

And in your early twenties, when you're single, it's easy to make your only expenses rent, groceries, and booze.  You don't need to be in the middle class. For three of the past four years, I've done this with varying amounts of satisfaction.  But anytime I start to think about pets, or home ownership, or god-forbid children, I suddenly find myself wanting more money. Actually needing it.

I can't afford the expense of a dog right now.  I can't afford the expense of a weekly yoga class right now (though if I was smart I would probably allocate my booze budget for this).  Point is, most of my time in California has been spent living exactly within my means.  With no wiggle room.

You want to go dancing?  You want a pair of leopard print pants?
You want a domesticated wolf to sleep in your house?!
 Don't worry, I've got it covered.  I'm in the middle class now.

I can't explain the mind-blowing relief I felt when I received that first teaching paycheck.  I suddenly didn't have to worry about money.  I didn't have to think about it.  I HAD IT.  I. Had. Money.  Was I happy that year?  No. Did that fix everything that was wrong with living in San Francisco? No.  But money, in a city that was so expensive, was suddenly off the table.  And that was amazing.

I can only imagine how far that teaching salary would stretch here in L.A.  And I do.  I imagine it a lot.  And that's a problem.

I don't know if I have the strength to be poor for another half-decade or longer on the off-chance this writing thing takes off.  I really want to settle down.  I really want a family.  And it's hard to imagine choosing to work in positions that take the choice of family off the table.

But do I really want to settle for career I'm not happy with?

I just find myself spinning in circles sometimes.  Because growing up, I was always such a creative person; I want to be that kind of person still.  I loved making stories and acting and creating art. And I feel like since going down this road with teaching those interests have totally been left behind.  So much energy has been focused on being a good teacher.  Growing as a teacher.  And I know people are gonna be like 'you can be a creative, artistic teacher', but that wasn't doing it for me.

White picket fence anyone?

Teaching just wasn't one of my passions.  It was kinda cool.  You know, how like making cookies is kinda cool.  But am I gonna try and become a pastry chef?  No.  I just don't like making cookies that much.

So what do I do? How do I feel like I'm making enough money to be comfortable, to grow with, but still have enough time and emotional energy to focus on this book I've started writing?  Or do I not?  Do I just get a job somewhere that's gonna give me plenty of money to settle down and admit that being an artist isn't for me?  That having a family was more important?  I know there's no shame in saying that, so... do I just have to choose one?  Hypothetical Family vs. Hypothetical Career?

That's the other ridiculous thing.  I have neither right now, so why am I pitting them against each other?  But I just quit my job and am looking for a new one, so I feel like now I have to choose what to actively pursue: Financial stability and possibility for settling down or financial instability and possibility of a career as an artist.

So here I am, spinning in circles again.

This is such an entitled millennial problem isn't it?

Little Talks

Internet:  Mel, you aren't blogging every two days, what a refreshing change!  I mean-- we missed you!
Mel:  Thanks, Internet, it's nice to know you care.

Seriously though, I need to get my body acclimated to this new, relentless schedule because it's not going to slow down anytime soon.  It's making it hard to sleep.  Honestly, I devote a lot of time to leisure and without it, I'm in kind of a weird place.  The first week of school involved struggling to fall asleep, then waking up multiple times to cough.  I overcame that thanks in large part to Nighttime Robitussin.  This week, I'm falling asleep fine on my own.  But now I'm having weird dreams.  Last night I jerked awake from a nightmare guest starring Luke.  I don't remember what it was about, but I just know that I didn't appreciate it all.

My new hipster glasses finally came in the mail from Virginia after a long and harrowing journey.  They look awesome.  As one of my kids said they are "nerd glasses".  Oddly enough, she said that as a compliment.  As in "Melissa, I like your nerd glasses".

My bangs are becoming an issue.  Stringy and in my face.  I think they are going to end up growing out.

I am continually fighting the urge to become a brunette.  Financially it would be much more sensible.  And generally less of a hassle.  But each time I look in the mirror, it just seems too weird.

I am reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  Don't.  Just don't.  Whatever myriad of excuses you have to do so, fight them.  It isn't worth it.  These books make me so angry.  But like with most men, I'm not willing to let go of them until I've seen this thing all the way through to the end.  Even though I'm not enjoying myself and it clearly isn't working out, I have to let this thing run it's course to the end in the hopes that it will redeem itself and actually be pleasant at some point.  I will most likely post on my pure hatred for the Fifty Shades Trilogy after I've finished all three books, but not yet not until I have all the facts.

My three new fave songs are:

"Dear Avery" by the Decemberists

"Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men

"Rivers and Roads" by The Head and the Heart

They are going to be at Hardly Strictly and you KNOW I will be at that concert.

Rockstar

Guys, it's happened.  I've lost all control of my sense of style.  It's like eighth grade all over again.  I just wear whatever appeals to me, fuck style or fashion.  Look at what I pulled together today.  I've started dressing like a 1970's rock star.  (Which I guess I've always secretly wanted to be, so guess this is apt).

I mean seriously though, is this too much?

Merry Christmas Bonus to Me

Living in San Francisco is making me feel like I can wear whatever I want with impunity.  It's bad folks.  It's like that 8th grade all over again.  Remember?  Remember that?  When I used to wear vibrantly patterned tights under cut-off jorts with a bright blue fake hair piece attached to my ponytail?  Once Popular Caroline actually raised her hand and asked our Civics teacher "If we aren't allowed to wear spaghetti strap shirts because they are distracting, then why does she get to wear that?!"  Touche Caroline, touche.  But bless my civics teacher's heart because he got right on it and told her (without being rude) that she was completely in the wrong and to STFU.  Anyway, that sense of style is coming back.  That oh-my-god-I-want-to-be-trendy-but-in-a-flamboyantly-unique-way sense of style.  These are two outfits I spent exorbitant amounts of money on (thanks Mill Valley parents for funding my shopping spree today, I will continue watching your kids), and I am fully aware that they are a little ridiculous (as are my bangs).  But I love it all. 

That's a mans sweater.  But the skirt is little, so I figure it balances out, right?

Come ON.  I needed a little dress.

Also I wear that oversized ugly Walmart sweater from the Christmas cards all the time.  It's a problem people. 

I'm wearing it ironically?