Besties

Once again, in my quest to understand what makes people click, I find myself looking at my relationship with Nate.  We were facebook chatting the other night and he sends me a music video.  I hate it instantly, as I do with almost all the music he's ever tried to introduce me to.  And it strikes me:  what the fuck do we have in common?  He plays D&D and likes philosophy.  He reads poetry and insults Harry Potter.  He's irresponsible and immature and can't make plans to save his life.  He's outgoing, chatty, and gets along great with women. None of those things could describe me.

There's this scene from one of my fave TV shows, Queer as Folk, where one character tells another that they have nothing in common except for their entire lives.  That idea always rings in my head when I think about this.

I've been worrying a lot lately that people only make friends with me because they think I'm pretty.  Because they want something more from me than friendship.  When pretty much everyone you've made friends within the past six months has either made a move or accepted a move you've made, you start to wonder what they are really responding to.  You also start to wonder how much flirtation has become a crutch for meeting people.  You start to wonder how to make friends without it.  If you can.

I should pitch that concept to Sarah Dessen.  It would make a great teen novel, haha.

I've also noticed that there are people I talk to (a lot of them) where making conversation consists of them asking questions and me talking about myself.  A lot.  And I don't bother/want/know how to ask questions about them.  Where every sentence is an effort and I have to coach myself to ask questions in return, just to keep the conversation going.  But then there is still dead air.

But then there are people like Nate where conversation just bounces along.  Each comment leads to six more things you want to say, and you have to slow yourself down because you have so much to share. And you can tell the other person feels the same way.

I used to sit with Nate in his dorm, playing with his hair, talking about things I can't remember now.  Nothing and everything.  I could be real with him, open.  And he was as open with me as he could be.

I miss that the most out here.  More than companionship.  More than going out.  More than being physical.  Emotional intimacy.

~

So anyway, I ask him, I say "Nate, I don't get it.  We're really good friends..." 

"Besties."

"But why?  What do we have in common anyway?"

"Back to the Future."

Cherry Blossoms

There are all these little signs that life really is good and the choices you've made were right despite the little things that are getting you down today.  It's been warmer the past couple of days and walking home tonight I found out that there are a bunch of cherry blossom trees (or something similar) on my street.  They had started blooming.  It reminded me of D.C. and spring and all kinds of things that I love.  Like even though I left them behind, I can still find them here.  Cherry blossoms, something so intrinsically D.C. springtime to me, are right here on my San Francisco January street corner. :)

Fun fact: I've never actually been to the Cherry Blossom Festival in D.C.

Click: Revisited

Don't worry, it's a nerf gun.

I'm constantly reminded why the people I love are the people I love.  Why I've kept them around.  There's something in timbre of their voice, the cadence of our conversation, the match of our minds that makes it all so easy.  I got a call from Nathan today, and I'll be honest:  I hate him a lot of the time, he is infuriating and we disagree constantly, but he is one of my very best friends and I would never let him go.  We haven't spoken in awhile and the first thing he says is: "If you could live forever, young and hot and just live forever, would you?"  And we launch into a 45 minute conversation on why we would both choose to live forever and the ramifications of an immortal society.  And then we get start discussing our differing views on the afterlife (or lack therein), after which we argue about kid's fantasy literature.  We're constantly talking over each other, interrupting, and interjecting phrases like "no, no, no, you are being judgmental" or  "that's ridiculous, that doesn't make sense."  But it's one of the best conversations I've had this week.  I fucking love that kid.  You'd think, looking at it from the outside "You find him infuriating, you argue, your religious views are fundamentally different, how is he one of your best friends?"  I DON'T KNOW.  Like I said, we click and there is no logical, definitive reason for it other than we just communicate well.  We enjoy each others company despite all the differences and the arguments and the stupid number of times I've friend-broken-up with him (you know, "I'm done dealing with your crap, I'm not talking to you for the next couple months").  And no matter how long it's been since we last talked we can pick up and chat like no time has passed at all.  And you can't replicate that, you can't force that.  You just fall into these people and it's awesome.

Moving

Moving in general is very obnoxious.  It's one of my least favorite things; shoving all your stuff in boxes and trying to cram them into your car.  Maybe making an extra trip or two to get it all because, hell, your whole life has to be put away only be to be taken out again.  It's one big hassle.  I hate it.

That fuckin' mural.   I was so sad to see it go and
Rolfe just slapped white paint on it like it was nothing.

But sometimes it's just hard.  Emotionally.  That time I had to paint over the mural in my dorm room, when I had to leave Cary Street and college, leaving my life on the opposite coast, and right now.  God, if Bobby didn't live in a studio (and I wasn't consumed by loathing every time I saw his passive-aggressive landlords) I would probably beg him to let me stay.  As it is there is barely room to breathe, but somehow that works.  Basically because he and I work.  Miraculously, we are both the right amount of honest and laid back that sharing a space has been easy for us (I think; I mean, Bobby, I hope you agree).  Sometimes dishes are left in the sink, but at the same time neither one of us has a problem saying "could you like clean out the sink real quick?"  So it's been very pleasant living sitch.

Alice and I in As You Like It

Which has been incredibly lucky;  Bobby and I had very limited contact before he moved to the west coast, and I didn't think we'd get along so well.  Sure, we were acquaintances during As You Like It, but in a the-cast-hangs-out-after-rehersals-sometimes kind of way. Honestly, I didn't really like him at the time (Sorry Bobby!).  If not for our mutual desire to move to San Francisco, I don't think I'd talk to him now anymore than I talk to my costar Alice (read: none) who I absolutely adored.  Much like with Abigail, I feel like I've stumbled onto a pretty easy friendship that I didn't expect to exist.  Once you peel away those presentational layers of people (and living together, even for a couple weeks, can do that pretty quickly), you can find some real cool people underneath.

I'm getting too philosophical/psych major-y and not explaining my thinking enough.  The point is: Bobby's a good roomie and actually a friend. I'm reluctant to leave because I'm worried these girls will be neither.  I fear we won't connect and that they'll be uptight about random shit.

Oh well, as with this whole "move to the west coast" experience I've just gotta jump in and see what happens.

Saying Good-bye

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile, but just haven't had a good time.

Before I left I had a chance to say good-bye to a lot of people in my life. It was funny, how indicative of our relationships they became. Our last meetings really summed up, in my mind, our experiences together.

The adventure actually began with Rolfe. We reconnected briefly, until he said something that I thought was haughty/demeaning, so I said something that he thought sounded defensive/offensive, and everything spiraled out of control until I figured it wasn't worth the effort and took all the blame for the conversation. Every conversation we've ever had. In. A. Nutshell.

Laura: We went to Red Robin, talked about her job, and my crazy idea to move west and sat at the bar for far longer than I'm sure the bartender wanted. It was like I had never left for grad school. Like no time had passed at all.

Topher: who I wish I could have brought with me. We didn't even say good-bye; a week before I left we got drunk, made fools of ourselves, and then I left the house very early in the morning getting a groggy "see ya" from under the covers. Ours is a relationship that doesn't need formal good-byes, it's very comfortable, very natural, very easy. When I told him later that I was nervous about the move he said "No point worrying over something you can't know about." Good point.

Andy: After countless text messages and me thinking 'this isn't worth my time', I finally decide we are meeting for Mexican. The day-of he blows my mind by sending me a text saying "I'm really looking forward to our dinner." It's easy to forget he used to care about me, and maybe still does. He gave me some music, was dressed better than me, and smelled amazing. Again, sums things up pretty nicely. When I told him I was nervous he said "You should be." Haha. Another good point.

Nathan: At the last possible minute I went "Holy shit, I haven't seen you, I'm leaving soon". I drove out to Winchester, we played with a LOTR sword, called each other Biddy, made fun of an episode of Star Trek, and talked about things I don't remember now, and I doubt made sense at the time.

Pete: We talked about getting together, and maybe even made plans. But in the end, we just ended up gchatting about it all instead.

My Mom: Helped me move, played nurse when I was sick, and got addicted to my Glee Warbler's CD. We cried when I dropped her off, and I'm pretty sure she's texted me multiple times a day, every day since. She's still helping me figure my stuff out so maybe one day I can be an adult.