The Robot Apocalypse

A couple weeks ago one of my student's did a book report on robots.  Quickly after finishing grading the report, I realized I have a very real and profound fear of robots.  Mainly, I fear that we are creating the element of our own extinction.  It's all very Battlestar Galactica.

Now I have tried to bring this up to several people since, but never did I feel like my response was being taken so seriously as when Nate called me this evening.  He starts rattling off about the ethical implications of artificial intelligence, or even boosting the intelligence of other beings like animals.  He talks about how robot morality would be different than human morality, so we can't assume they'd have our same bloodlust and thirst for power.  We started talking about living along side robots as non-competitive species.  He talks about the realities and purposes of the Japanese robots that freaked me the fuck out to begin with.

Why would you create that you sick fucks?!

"How come every time we talk you bring up some crazy theoretical science?  Where do you get all this information from?"  I finally asked him.

"Because I'm a huge nerd and read science articles all the time.  Besides, I can actually talk about them to you, everyone else thinks they're boring."

That's what our conversations are always like.  I don't have to worry what I'll talk about with him.  We just talk.  And no matter how weird or shitty I'm feeling, talking to him makes me feel better.  If I'm feeling down it doesn't drag him down, and if he's feeling shitty it doesn't make me feel shitty.  We don't work that way.  "Shit's awful?  That sucks?  Let's talk about something not awful.  I've got an idea let's argue about whether a Robot Apocalypse is inevitable!"

In a weird day of blah not-quite-satisfied feelings, it was great to have a moment where I picked up the phone to an upbeat Tigger-like energy and just felt totally accepted comfortable.  I need more people like that in my life.  Fast-movers and talkers who shake me out of my bleck.  People who say "You made my day too Mel".

Not in love with this picture… BUT we don't take a lot of pictures together,
so you work with what you've got.

How do you become best friends?

Now I think most of you in the internet know that I love San Francisco, but I'm terribly lonely.  I've met  a lot of people, but I've had a hard time making friends. Good friends. Best friends.

Let me start by clarifying what I mean when I say "best friend".

• you can go over to their house to just hang out
• you can go out on adventures together
• you can call without wanting to talk about something
• you can call if you need to talk about something

Basically, a best friend to me is someone you don't have to think about.  You are friends.  You just are. You don't clean your apartment before they come over and you don't tone down your crazy.  You're just each other.  

I post a lot on here about "Click".  That moment when you're talking to someone new and you know that this person works.  Clicking feels instantaneous.  You can practically hear it. It's not always the first moment with someone, or the first time with someone.  But you know it when it happens.

For William, it was that staff dinner after setting up camp.  For Willow, it was that carpool home after training.  For Luke, it was that stupid dead Christmas tree.  Toph, when we started studying together.   Pete, that first summer of grad school.  Andy, our first date.  Nate, sometime during our Freshman Seminar.

Clicking is random.  You have no control over it.  It's just chemistry.

Clicking is not something I'm struggling with to be honest.  I've clicked out here.

It's maintenance.

All those people I listed were best friend material.

All those people met the criteria I listed.  In the beginning.  For a month or six or twelve.  But how do you push past that?  How do you move past the Click and the new-friend-infatuation, and become real, true friends?  Friends that last?

Friends that can fight.  Friends you can depend on to be there.  Friends that don't just stop talking.

I think you have to love each other.  You have to care that you aren't hanging out or chatting or whatever… Toph and I aren't friends anymore because neither of us really cared when we stopped talking.  Willow and I aren't friends because she didn't notice when we stopped hanging out.

So I guess the question becomes how do you make sure you care?  How do you
fall in love with someone?

Appreciation Post

I don't wanna get too gooey, but sometimes this friendship blows my mind.  Thanks for always seeing me a little better than I can see myself, accepting me for it, understanding me, relating to me, commiserating with me, and reminding me to appreciate the present.

<3 Love Always,

Mel

Hello McFly!

I cannot express how much I love this kid and how wonderful EVERY phone call I have with him is.  He and his girlfriend just got pet rats.  PET RATS.  What wonderful people.

Epic New Years Adventure

Oh man.  I am so wiped out.  I've been all over and spent so much time in the car the past couple of days.

I love the people I love.

On Sunday I drove up to Delaware to spend the night with Nate and his girlfriend.  I envy their little one-bedroom apartment, queen-bed, I-love-you lifestyle.  I think I'll really enjoy living with a significant other.

The high-point of my time there was definitely when Nathan introduced me as his "best friend".  I mean, I think of him that way, but perceptions of relationships aren't always reciprocal.  It just made me feel pretty cool.  Like "That's right, I'm someone's best friend."

After spending 24 hours wondering how two such incredibly different people could end up being so tight, I got in my car and drove back to Virginia to meet my friend Pete for New Year's.

New Year's is usually one of those "let-down" holidays (supposed to be awesome, but tends to be lame), but I had tons of fun last night.  I wore an awesome green dress of my sisters and we party hopped.  I played a lot of Just Dance for the Kinect.  I also met a lot of D.C. people that were all my age or younger, but all seemed so much older than me.  All kinds of married and career driven; it reminded me why I left D.C. in the first place.  It was great though, even if the DJ at the bar we ended up at was awful.  He kept playing 80's music,  he even went so far as to mix an 80's beat over a Ke$ha song (if anything, mix a Ke$ha beat into an 80's song).  We kept requesting Whitney Houston, and he just like couldn't be bothered.  No worries though, because we rocked out to it when we got to Pete's.

After breakfast with Pete, I drove over to Toph's place for Vietnamese for lunch and a viewing of Love Actually.  I've decided that I don't like it.  I understand that I am probably admitting that I have no soul or something, but in all those plots, I could only really buy into the one with the little boy. 

Overall all, I laughed a lot more these past three days than I have in a long time. 

Thankful

A lot of people posted about the things they were thankful for yesterday, things I hadn't even thought about once.  And so I started thinking and realized it was kind of hard for me right now.  As we all know I've been complaining a lot and am not super happy with my life right now.  Which made me realize that I really should figure out what's great in my life.  B/c let's face it.  Life is great.  No matter how shitty it gets.

1.  My family:  I love them.  I do.  And I may not call home as often as I should, but I can't wait to go home for Christmas and just hang out with them.  They're good people.

2.  Nate: He's been the most important force in my life this year.  I've never had a friendship like the one I have with him.  Someone I can be frank with.  100%.  I never hesitate to tell him anything.  Sex, drugs, rock'n'roll, religion, emotion.  To elaborate.  To argue.  I've known him for 7 years, and I'm confident that we'll be friends for the rest of our lives.  And he's the only person I've ever felt that way about.  I know I can be the worst version of myself with him and he'll still love me.  Family.

He doesn't look like this anymore.  Unfortunately, I also see this kid like once a year.  And neither one of us are big picture takers.  I've explained that we only have like 5 pictures together from the past seven years, right?  Anyway, if he's studying in Swem, then this is like sophomore or junior year of college. 

3.  My apartment:  Fully furnished in a safe, familiar neighborhood.  I appreciate that.
4.  Marketable Degrees:  I may not have a job I like, but I'm not without skills.  Skills that can actually make a difference in this world, not just push money around.  I never realized, but that's actually something that's pretty important to me.  That actually positively impacting the world.

5.  No debt:  My parents were instrumental in making sure I didn't have to take out student loans for college, and GOD I didn't realize how freeing that would be.

Take a Leap

Once when my friendship with Nate was still fairly young, he confessed to me that he had feelings for his friend Heather.  He had known Heather all of freshman year and they were pretty good friends.  He told me that she had just been set up with some guy that their friends knew.  They hadn't gone out yet, so I pushed Nate to ask her out himself before she ended up in a relationship with this other dude and the chance was lost forever.

I'll be honest, I knew she'd say no.

Nate's a smart guy; I bet he knew too.

But Nate had a problem with... pining.  He'd fall for a girl and never let her know.  He'd follow her around and be friends with her and pretend to be happy when she dated other guys and spend all his time with her and tell all his friends about her, but never make a move.  It was frustrating to watch, and frustrating to be on the receiving end of.  So when he told me about Heather, I knew he had to act.  Even though I was pretty sure that he'd be turned down, and he'd be crushed, and it would suck, I felt like it was important for him in the long run.  I felt like it was important for him to go out of his comfort zone and finally, FINALLY, let a girl know how he felt.  Get the experience of actually telling her.  Instead of trying to convince her that his feelings didn't exist or didn't matter.

I don't know if this was the right thing to do, but it seemed necessary at the time.  I mean, I still think it was necessary, but in retrospect I know it could have had devastating consequences.  But he's a tough shit and handled the rejection like a champ.  And maybe I knew that about him.  Or maybe I didn't, and just didn't think it all the way through.  I don't know.  I still think this way, I think.  Like... even if an experience is going to fucking SUCK.  And you can see that it's not going to work out... there are some mistakes that you just need to make.  Like it's better to do something that ends up hurting you but leaves you a little more experienced, than one that lets you stay timid and what-if-ing.

Make Things Make Sense

The thing about Nate is that while our values and modes of communication are so similar, our views of the world are incredibly different.  On days like today, when a seemingly minor decision like trying to open an OkCupid account sends me into a downward spiral of absolute crazy, he's one of the few people who can pull me out of my head and make me see things from different perspectives.  It's dangerous to always be alone with your own mind.

Nate Appreciation

This kid comes in and out of my life so often.  When I was at grad school, he was living in Williamsburg too and we only hung out like twice.  But the thing is, no matter how much time has passed and no matter what bad feelings we've had, we can always pick up where we left off.  And I wish I knew how to replicate that with other people.

Besties

Once again, in my quest to understand what makes people click, I find myself looking at my relationship with Nate.  We were facebook chatting the other night and he sends me a music video.  I hate it instantly, as I do with almost all the music he's ever tried to introduce me to.  And it strikes me:  what the fuck do we have in common?  He plays D&D and likes philosophy.  He reads poetry and insults Harry Potter.  He's irresponsible and immature and can't make plans to save his life.  He's outgoing, chatty, and gets along great with women. None of those things could describe me.

There's this scene from one of my fave TV shows, Queer as Folk, where one character tells another that they have nothing in common except for their entire lives.  That idea always rings in my head when I think about this.

I've been worrying a lot lately that people only make friends with me because they think I'm pretty.  Because they want something more from me than friendship.  When pretty much everyone you've made friends within the past six months has either made a move or accepted a move you've made, you start to wonder what they are really responding to.  You also start to wonder how much flirtation has become a crutch for meeting people.  You start to wonder how to make friends without it.  If you can.

I should pitch that concept to Sarah Dessen.  It would make a great teen novel, haha.

I've also noticed that there are people I talk to (a lot of them) where making conversation consists of them asking questions and me talking about myself.  A lot.  And I don't bother/want/know how to ask questions about them.  Where every sentence is an effort and I have to coach myself to ask questions in return, just to keep the conversation going.  But then there is still dead air.

But then there are people like Nate where conversation just bounces along.  Each comment leads to six more things you want to say, and you have to slow yourself down because you have so much to share. And you can tell the other person feels the same way.

I used to sit with Nate in his dorm, playing with his hair, talking about things I can't remember now.  Nothing and everything.  I could be real with him, open.  And he was as open with me as he could be.

I miss that the most out here.  More than companionship.  More than going out.  More than being physical.  Emotional intimacy.

~

So anyway, I ask him, I say "Nate, I don't get it.  We're really good friends..." 

"Besties."

"But why?  What do we have in common anyway?"

"Back to the Future."

Click: Revisited

Don't worry, it's a nerf gun.

I'm constantly reminded why the people I love are the people I love.  Why I've kept them around.  There's something in timbre of their voice, the cadence of our conversation, the match of our minds that makes it all so easy.  I got a call from Nathan today, and I'll be honest:  I hate him a lot of the time, he is infuriating and we disagree constantly, but he is one of my very best friends and I would never let him go.  We haven't spoken in awhile and the first thing he says is: "If you could live forever, young and hot and just live forever, would you?"  And we launch into a 45 minute conversation on why we would both choose to live forever and the ramifications of an immortal society.  And then we get start discussing our differing views on the afterlife (or lack therein), after which we argue about kid's fantasy literature.  We're constantly talking over each other, interrupting, and interjecting phrases like "no, no, no, you are being judgmental" or  "that's ridiculous, that doesn't make sense."  But it's one of the best conversations I've had this week.  I fucking love that kid.  You'd think, looking at it from the outside "You find him infuriating, you argue, your religious views are fundamentally different, how is he one of your best friends?"  I DON'T KNOW.  Like I said, we click and there is no logical, definitive reason for it other than we just communicate well.  We enjoy each others company despite all the differences and the arguments and the stupid number of times I've friend-broken-up with him (you know, "I'm done dealing with your crap, I'm not talking to you for the next couple months").  And no matter how long it's been since we last talked we can pick up and chat like no time has passed at all.  And you can't replicate that, you can't force that.  You just fall into these people and it's awesome.

Click

When Rolfe and I finally broke-up (because for those of you who don't know it was a long and arduous process characterized by unfettered tears and constant denial) he tried to tell me it wasn't me, it wasn't him, it was us.  We didn't like each other.  Simple enough.  At the time, I was so full of self-doubt and self-loathing that I didn't believe him.  I was convinced that I had destroyed our relationship.  By being too clingy, too needy, too sensitive, too stressed, too awkward, too me.  Everything I was, was wrong: unlovable, disagreeable, and generally infuriating.  I clung to that for months.  It wasn't until I met Andy that I realized Rolfe was right.  About 15 minutes into our first date, I got it.  We were sitting at a table at Aroma's, Andy in black and grey was assuring me that every kid has a chubby phase, then telling some story about chubby 8 year old Andy face-planting on a skateboard, and in the back of my mind I was like, "Oh my god, this is what Rolfe meant.  This is so easy.  We get along."

It was this big epiphany for me.  I wasn't the problem.  I wasn't a problem.  Just because I was quiet didn't mean I was awkward.  Just because I was clingy didn't mean I was needy.  Just because I was stressed didn't mean I was about to break.  It wasn't always my fault.

Ever since that eye-opening date, I've been acutely aware of that fact that some people just "click".  Conversely, you can be great friends with someone, and hang out, and have a good time, but still consistently miss the mark.  You know what I mean, there are lulls in conversation, you run out of things to talk about, you have to wrack your brain for things to say.  And I'm not talking about dating here, I'm talking about life, friendships, work, interactions, people.

There are some people in the world who will get along with 90% of the people they meet, then there are people like me: who only get along with about 10%.  If I don't find them infuriating in some way, then they are probably intimidating, boring, or we just don't... click.  I try to be friendly with everyone, but anyone who's met me can tell you straight away that I don't always [often?] succeed.  On the flip side, there are some people I can talk to all day.  I don't know what it is.  I never wonder self-consciously if they even care about my story (and my stories, like my blog posts are VER-fucking-BOSE), or if we hang out too much, and never have to roll through my lists of small-talk conversations starters ("So tell me more about your job.", "This weather, huh?").  Maybe those people are the 90%-ers; maybe they fill in the gaps when I stop talking; maybe they make me feel comfortable prattling on about myself; maybe I care to know about them, so I feel like it's okay to tell them about me. I don't know.  I don't know what makes people click.  What makes me click.

This past week I've been trying to figure that out.  I'm still mostly alone out here on the west coast and I'm wondering why.  The same thing happened when I lived in D.C.; I spent an entire year up there, dated, made friends, and didn't meet a single person I really connected with or am still in touch with.  I'm wracking my brain trying to remember how I I got to know those people in my life that I really connected with.

Like Nathan.  We sat next to each other in class. "Oh you're taking Greek Archaeology and Art at 12:30, too?  Let's go down together... Oh, you have a break now, too?  Let's grab lunch... Oh, you're watching Back to the Future in your dorm?  That's my favorite movie too!  I'm gonna come over to watch it."  And come over.  And come over.  And come over.  And we just... clicked.  I couldn't replicate that if I tried.  And I try.  Somehow saying "let's grab lunch next week" has never quite worked out the same way.

Or what about Toph?  "Let's get together and study for this exam.  Oh man, our brains work the same way, we study well together... we should get blasted drunk before classes start again... fuck drinks let's go to the beach all night... I'm gonna come over to study." And come over and come over and come over.

I dunno.  You know when you meet those people.  Those people that are easy to talk to.  That you are interested in knowing.  And are interested in knowing you.  Where coming over feels natural, and not a burden.  You never have to ask "Do you mind if I hang out a bit?"  Those people you stay up with until 4 am just talking and you're like "Shit where'd the time go?"  The one's where words and emotions flow like you're drunk.  Where a quick "Hi" turns into 20 minutes in the cold.  You know.  And until them you're just treading water.

Creating Roots

I've noticed, that when moving to a new place full of new people there is this weird period of time where you think you are making friends and you are getting to know people, but in reality that's not happening at all.  Because one day later you meet someone who is just instantly your very best friend and everything becomes easy.  You stop worrying about "what am I going to do this weekend" and how you are going to meet people.  You have this friend that you feel comfortable calling up and being like "I'm gonna come hang out".  You don't think about what to do, it just happens.  You're just comfortable.  In college it was Nate, and in grad school it was Toph.  I was putting all this energy into getting to know people, and going out, and then I met these boys and suddenly it was easy.  I had THE friend, so I had friends.  I had plans.  

Right now I'm in that weird transition stage where I am trying very hard to make friends.  I can tell it's not working. I go out with my co-workers and we either just miss the mark or I'm worried it's some kind of date (depending on the co-worker), Bobby has become a casual day-date kind of friend, and with everyone else it's clear I'm just passing through their well-establish circle of friends.  "Oh hi, this is Melissa, she's new here".

I'm not exactly stressed out about this because I know one of these guys, these key friends are on their way. But at the same time when I turn down a party because I don't want to go as my co-worker's date, or I come home to an apartment of closed doors, it's hard not to miss the ease of those relationships.  That say-whatever-you're-thinking attitude: be it "Your chili looks gross", "This isn't going to happen between us", or simply "What are we doing tonight?".

Before I moved out here Andy asked me something along the lines of "How do you create roots?"  The best I can guess is to just sit back and let them grow naturally.  But sometimes being patient is hella annoying.

Thanks Biddy

A shout out to my biffle, Nathan, who I can always count on to support my less-than-responsible decision making and somehow spin it to sound like a good choice.  Love you.

Saying Good-bye

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile, but just haven't had a good time.

Before I left I had a chance to say good-bye to a lot of people in my life. It was funny, how indicative of our relationships they became. Our last meetings really summed up, in my mind, our experiences together.

The adventure actually began with Rolfe. We reconnected briefly, until he said something that I thought was haughty/demeaning, so I said something that he thought sounded defensive/offensive, and everything spiraled out of control until I figured it wasn't worth the effort and took all the blame for the conversation. Every conversation we've ever had. In. A. Nutshell.

Laura: We went to Red Robin, talked about her job, and my crazy idea to move west and sat at the bar for far longer than I'm sure the bartender wanted. It was like I had never left for grad school. Like no time had passed at all.

Topher: who I wish I could have brought with me. We didn't even say good-bye; a week before I left we got drunk, made fools of ourselves, and then I left the house very early in the morning getting a groggy "see ya" from under the covers. Ours is a relationship that doesn't need formal good-byes, it's very comfortable, very natural, very easy. When I told him later that I was nervous about the move he said "No point worrying over something you can't know about." Good point.

Andy: After countless text messages and me thinking 'this isn't worth my time', I finally decide we are meeting for Mexican. The day-of he blows my mind by sending me a text saying "I'm really looking forward to our dinner." It's easy to forget he used to care about me, and maybe still does. He gave me some music, was dressed better than me, and smelled amazing. Again, sums things up pretty nicely. When I told him I was nervous he said "You should be." Haha. Another good point.

Nathan: At the last possible minute I went "Holy shit, I haven't seen you, I'm leaving soon". I drove out to Winchester, we played with a LOTR sword, called each other Biddy, made fun of an episode of Star Trek, and talked about things I don't remember now, and I doubt made sense at the time.

Pete: We talked about getting together, and maybe even made plans. But in the end, we just ended up gchatting about it all instead.

My Mom: Helped me move, played nurse when I was sick, and got addicted to my Glee Warbler's CD. We cried when I dropped her off, and I'm pretty sure she's texted me multiple times a day, every day since. She's still helping me figure my stuff out so maybe one day I can be an adult.