Chain Reaction

Ohmygod.  Can I just tmi a little?

It's throwback Thursday (#tbt) on the internet right?  So I was looking for pic of me and Nate; I haven't been able to call him recently and that's a bummer b/c he makes me smile always.  So I'm looking for pics of us, and stumble across pics of me with shorter hair.  So I start looking for more of those (b/c I'm thinking of cutting it again).  Then I see some selfies from grad school, and remember I had taken similar ones in undergrad.  So I go looking for those.  I can't figure out where they are on my comp, but I know I sent some to someone at some point.  So I start searching my gmail.  I can't remember what I call the email, so I just search the person's name and the word "pics".  And then oh lord.  I stumble on some email correspondences I had sent people from my summer in France.  And in there are some NOVELS.   I kid you not, like 200 emails at about 400 words each.  And I'm like "oh my god, what could we have possibly had to say to each other?" There's a lot of nitpicky play-by-plays of our days, and it gives me this warm glowy nostalgia rush.  Fast forward half an hour:  I am SOBBING because these play-by-plays have suddenly morphed into the most beautiful love notes and ohmygod where did those feelings of infinite hopefulness and safety go?

Anyway, I feel pretty lucky that I ever felt that way.  But would also love to get that feeling back.  I don't really know what to do about that.  So I think I'll keep sitting back and doing nothing.

Guys, I think I've only ever felt that way once.

Fuck This Shit.

So I'm pretty sure I'm gonna quit my job.

I just had a chat with my vice boss during my biweekly (every two weeks?) performance evaluation.  She basically said that the problems I'm having with my boss boss aren't going to go away and that I have to change myself to be okay with them.  There is nothing I can do to enact change or improve his communication skills.  He won't ever change.  He won't ever be aware of or accountable to his staff.  It's pointless.  She didn't say it that bluntly.  She said it in a very subtle, kind way that was supposed to make me be okay with the hopelessness of it all.  But unfortunately I only got the "it's hopeless" subtext, and am not okay with it.

So I'm going to spend the next week seeing if I can't do my job WITHOUT interacting with him.  And if it's still too much of a problem, then I'm out.  Just out.

I was in a relationship once where I thought I had to change myself to fit his perception of what was correct.  Where my opinions weren't valued and my communication style was wrong.  Where whatever he did was right, and what I did was hopefully tolerable.  Where those nuggets of approval were so few and far between that every single one was magical.  And you know what?  I decided a long time ago that I was never never going to let that happen to me again.  This situation included.

I am not some cog in a camp machine.  I want to be a member of a team.  In a camper (not enrollment) focused camp.  I'm out.  I'm just out.

No, I Won't be Afraid

Today was basically the worst.

To the point that I was like "What am I going to do about rent if I end up having to quit my job prematurely?"

I pretty much just sent an email to someone explaining how dissent is not the same as disrespect.

Stand by Me is on loop.

A counselor and the director were out sick with some throwing up thing.

I'm having a hard time self-regulating at work.  What is my job?  How do I tell myself and everyone, "I'm taking 20, I refuse to help anyone".  I keep eating really small portions and not being hungry, so I'm not sure how that is working.  I mean, I'm running around doing things all the time.  Normally I'm hungry all the time, when all I'm doing is sitting down.

I say I won't check emails at home, but then I just spent an hour doing that.

I haven't worked a day under 9.5 hours since I started.  I'm just trying to get down to a 9 hour day guys, seriously.  That's my goal.  What the fuck is this job; I don't know how to self-care.  Normally, nothing is more important than number one.  I feel personally responsible for all 90 kids and all 15 counselors.  I don't know how to stop feeling that way.  I feel like all the adults are expecting me to be totally flawless and on-point because I'm in charge, and I haven't figured out how to do my job efficiently enough to be that way and still find time for self-regulation.  I hate adults.  Kids don't judge you, and if they do, it doesn't matter... because they're five.

I also drank a Dr. Pepper during Improv tonight.  I like made a point of drinking slowly and eating a lot of starch with it so the caffeine would keep me up, but not make me throw up.

Guys, I'm buying that mother fucking Anthro dress.  I deserve it. #caffeine #shopping #tv #misanthropy #beer #poornutrition #notcleaningmyapartment #stress-induced-vices

Pictures from the Dressing Room Pt. 2

Just like Amanda Bynes, I'm about to change my look.  I need u all to kno that I'm not crazy tho!  ...oh god, that hurt to type.  Amanda Bynes... you cray.  And your spelling is painful. 

Anyway, after spending this past semester unabashedly jealous of the wardrobe of one Ms. Cohen in the 5th grade, I've decided that I want to step it up.  This woman wore pants about 3 times the entire time I knew her.  I'm gonna join her in that.  ALSO, she made business casual look fantastic.  Lemme tell you this:  no slacks, no sweaters from H&M circa 2006.

So I've decided to work "stupidly expensive dresses" into my monthly budget next year.  While it's still too soon to buy any dresses (I'm still on the "heartbreakingly poor" side of "fabulously wealthy"), I made a scouting trip to Anthropologie.  This is what I found:

Also, let's talk about how fit I look right now.  I know I'm trying to not put any stock in my weight anymore, but come ON.  I mean seriously: nice arms.  I'm gonna miss biking to work (or am I? Can I wake up early enough and be dedicated enough bike out of the city everyday?).

As much as I love showing off my legs, I was looking for things long enough to be school appropriate.  Also, there was crinoline under this puppy (dry clean only :/ ).

This one is my favorite.  It's like that vintage dress I wore (and fell in love with) in Damn Yankees back senior year of college.  I think I'm gonna have to buy it.

Day Three of Camp

I promise I will stop blogging about camp one day.  Also, clearly working with adorable kids releases enough of whatever neurotransmitter that no matter how frustrating they get I still feel good (if not exhausted) at the end of the day.  Working with adults however just makes me that kind of tired that makes you want to cry.  It also makes it hard to have a lunch break.

Today is the first day that I've been able to come home after camp.  What does that mean?  I just aggressively drank an Anchor Summer Beer and twitter stalked everyone (Amanda Bynes) that I've missed out on the past few days.

I need you to know I'm drunk now.  After one beer.  That's how often I'm eating in my frenzied attempts to wander around camp and do my job (whatever that is).  Basically I've decided that anything that seems hard for the counselors to do while they have a group of kids is my job.  Two kids are fighting?  Sure, I'll talk to them.  The camera's dead?  Sure, I'll go find the charger.  Lunch needs serving?  Sure, I'll serve it.  Someone had a bathroom accident?  Sure, I'll change them and leave a note for mom on our computer system.

BLAAHHHHH.

Day Two of Camp

And I'm so emotionally and physically drained it's exhausting. And I'm still not even sure what my job is.  How am I going to keep this up through August?

Day one of camp is always awful.

Day one of camp is always awful.  Day one of camp is always awful.  Day one of camp is always awful.  This is my mantra.  But at the same time I can't help feeling like this is only going to get worse.  Like, my job is officially to be the receptacle for all the parents pissing.  And then the director's pissing b/c the parents are pissing.  UGH.

Break-Up Songs

This is a conversation that came up today at dinner.  How there is always that one song after a break-up that you just wear down.  And I without thinking went, "I can name that song right now for each one of my important break-ups".  So, of course, I was asked to put it to the test (and totally judged for my answers).  So anyway, here they are:

1.  Yesterday by the Beatles
2.  Your Daddy's Son from Ragtime
3.  Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen
4.  Lullabye by Billy Joel
5.  Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye/January Hymn by the Decembrists (tough choice)

I just realized that I messed up the order at dinner.  Oh well.

Vacation

Warm nights, thunderstorms, and swimming pools.  I love coming home.

Ginger

Watching The Secret Garden I had this like epiphany.  I think I knew by middle school that ginger was the superior way to be, and I'm pretty sure this list of my childhood idols is why:

Ariel

It all started with a headstrong mermaid who wasn't afraid to follow her dreams (even if they were unpopular).

Mary Lennox

And an short-tempered, abrasive little girl that somehow manages to bring life and love back to a suffering household (and self).

Felicity Merriman

Then, of course, there was the headstrong, fiercely independent, young colonist who rebuked traditional expectations of her gender (even going so far as to cross-dress!) and always followed her conscience.

Talk about a gender-role-reversal.

Here she is rescuing that hot apprentice Ben after his hasty attempt run away and join the revolution lands him in trouble.

Rose Dawson

Speaking of headstrong young women that reject the role society has thrust upon them, finally rising above the expectations of their gender.

So it's really no surprise that I went from:

This.

 To:

This.
Credit: Dan Plehal Photography

Best Day

Oh man.  Guys.  I love being alone, when I can choose to be alone.  And today was one of those days. Got a text: "You wanna hike?"  IGNORED.  Thought to myself "Should I invite someone to the beach?" Too much of a hassle.  So instead my day was this beautiful beautiful series of events:

• Wake up early.
• Look fabulous for an audition.
• Botch audition, doesn't matter, I know the director.
• Go to Stinson Beach.
• Get cranky looking for food and hate myself for forgetting to bring a change of shoes (bright red stilettos don't work with sand).
• Get food, feel instantly better.
• Read 
• Tan (SPF 50 y'all) 
• Call Nate for the thousandth time in a row (if there is any reason to get a Sig O, it's so I can go back to calling him once a week instead of like twice a day), as uzh he doesn't answer
• Nap
• KINDLE BREAKS (my life is essentially over)
• Drive home
• KINDLE IS FIXED (I'm as happy as I would be if I had rescued a baby from a burning car) 
• Watch Big and make Orange Creams presented by Colonial Williamsburg's Historic Foodways (my blog buddy-- but not former roommate-- Abigail is working there right now and keeps posting all these yummy recipes).  

These creams are so freaking sweet, I would probs cut ALL the sugar out of the recipe next time, or like cut it down to 1/4 of a cup, or just ACTUALLY use Seville oranges which aren't as sweet, b/c this is kind of unbearable.  But I just used the oranges I got in my CSA.  And I'm not sure mine is the right consistency either.  But whatevs.  Tastes good.

The one time I really wanted someone else around was when I was at the beach.  I just need a "sometimes we hang out and don't talk all that much" buddy.  Nate and I have been lamenting recently how difficult it is to make friends that you don't have to "do things" with. You know?  Like some friends you always have to have an activity, you always have to be out "getting to know each other", you can never be silent, or just like come over to hang out.

That's really what I want out here (and had before Abigail -the former roommate, not historic foodie-- left), a friend I could just be chill around.  "Hey, I'm biking to the park, wanna come?"  "Hey, I'm going to this coffee shop, wanna chill?"  "Hey, I got this movie from the libes and am gonna watch it, you can swing by if you want."  "Let's get brunch, and bring books to read during the hour-long wait." And then we could like hang out, but not worry about talking all that much, but also not worry about not talking all that much.  We could just do whatever, b/c we're chill and not thinking about it.  Yeah, that'd be cool.