In which Kansas exceeds expectations and I see a penis

Melanie was wrong. I didn't see a single pool yesterday. That being said, Kansas wasn't all that bad. At least not right away. I expected you see, to pass through Kansas City, MO and over the state line to immediately face golden fields of wheat and the straightest road you could ever conceive of. I also expected the bathrooms to be at hundred mile intervals. The previous night a friend of mine had warned me to basically "pee early and pee often". So, as you can imagine, when the road was kind of curvy, and there were little baby hills for awhile, and restrooms popped up every 30 miles or so, I was pleasantly surprised. Kansas was actually kind of interesting. There were sunflowers, and wind farms, and a rainbow, and cheesy t-shirts and magnets that reference The Wizard of Oz. In Topeka we stopped at McDonald's where a bunch of old white farmers chatted about their crops and a woman brought coffee to their table and called everyone by name. It was way cute. I kept my eyes peeled for Smallville and Metropolis, but I guess they are farther south. The roads are pretty straight overall and not too crowded so we cruised through at a cool 90 mph, but it still took us all day.

After maybe 8 hours or so we entered Colorado (I thought), and much like with Kansas I expected the landscape to change immediately. It didn't. Not for a loooonnnnggg time. At that point, I was tired of Kansas (or Coloransas as I've learned it's called). Finally around Limon, CO we started to see something new. I'm standing at the gas pump, when I see that the guy in front of me is wearing black booty shorts. I give him a strange look and continue munching my fries while mom pumps gas. As the man walks around the passenger side of his van, past his wife, I suddenly get an eye-full. His schlong is hanging out, swaying in the wind, and he just keeps walking like it's NBD. I think to myself "He's not wearing shorts after all, there's got to be a law against that." A couple seconds later, I realized what had actually happened. About 10 minutes later, I realized that the best response would have been to walk up to the passenger side, tap on the window, and say to his wife "Excuse me, your husband just showed me his penis."

Unfortunately, the first thing I did was contemplate involving the police and then decided that would delay the trip for too long. I hope I didn't give him any kind of satisfaction from that act. I feel like the response he was looking for was for me to freak out. I didn't, but I did tell my mom and she kept looking over at him until we left. And I wonder if that was enough to reinforce him.

Anyway, we continued on to Denver, and I've got to say that drive became one of the most beautiful yet. And then there's Denver sitting at the foot of the freaking Rockies looking breathtaking. We're taking a day off to fart around in Denver and then tonight I'm seeing my beautiful friend Abigail, just about an hour away.

One day I will post pictures.

Irrationality and Some Mountains

I am irritated, exhausted, sick, and other emotions I can't remember right now. I was all sunshine and rainbows listening to "Eragon" and Bluegrass music, but once we checked into our hotel and had dinner I just... crashed. Emotionally and physically. Suddenly my knees hurt and I can't keep my eyes open. All that aside...

The past two days were crazy eventful.

First we left: which was a mess of tears and awkwardness and excitedness, and pictures, and "oh my god, can I even drive without being able to see out of my rearview mirror?"-ness. And then we started to drive and got the worst gas mileage my Yaris has ever gotten: for the first couple hours I couldn't get it to drive above 60 mph. Speaking of that, West Virginia is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. And Maryland. I always think of Maryland as this fake-state that's something akin to back-country Williamsburg, unless you are in Baltimore, so I'm always surprised when it's not.

After we got out of the mountains, Ohio and Indiana were mostly corn fields. And we stayed in my neighbor's mom's house. She warned us that she is "very type A" and gave us a list of things-we-should-do-but-she'd-never-ask-us-to-do (ex: wipe the water off the sink handle after use, so you don't leave water spots). And I've got to say I have never been more uneasy in my life. This house looked brand new, but was apparently 12 years old. She says I should pull my car into the driveway and I struggle align my car perfectly perpendicular to the garage door (to no avail), I lay my shoes in neat rows, wipe off water spots, and refuse to put my glass down even on the coasters (what if it leaves a ring on the coasters?!).

In the morning we had Waffle House breakfast (both yummy and completely disgusting at the same time). And made the trek to St. Louis. The scuzziest city on earth. Honestly, it was so gross (sorry Ms. Hashemi). I'm sure there are all these political and economic reasons the city is so nasty looking and I'm being too harsh or whatever, but seriously. I was in the tourist-y areas. If the area for the uppity-tourists looks so worn down and neglected, imagine what the rest of the city looks like. (I have a whole serious of photos that go with that theme).

Moreover, the Gateway Arch was totally underwhelming. But the trams to the top were weird and neat. And I bought a magnet nonetheless.

About 20 minutes out of the city we are pulled over. Cops make me nervous and I am sitting here trying to tell my mother "Don't roll the window down more than an inch or else he will lean in the window and strangle you while other cars drive by unaware!" She naturally doesn't listen. Luckily he was not a crazed rapist masquerading as a cop, nor was he a power-abusing-cop-gone-wrong serial killer. It seems instead that the basket on my bike had come undone and was about to fly off onto the highway, lost forever. Thanks Captain Todd!

Then we are driving along minding our own business when we look ahead and there is this GIANT thunderstorm on the horizon. And not much later my car is swerving, being blown around by the wind. We pull off at a rest stop and I spend the next half hour putting my elementary school tornado drill training to good use. I'm hunched over in my seat and even go so far as to wrap a scarf around my face to protect against glass if a stray tree limb shatters the window. I'm also very worried I'll lose my bike. In retrospect, I don't think the scarf would have helped much...

I have tons of pictures, but can't find my camera cable, so they'll have to wait. Tomorrow we drive through Kansas. NOT EXCITED. I've heard this drive is hell-on-earth: flat and monotonous. I told this to one of my third grade campers the other day and she said "I don't think so, my cousins are from Kansas and they have a pool". Good point, Melanie. Good point.

Leaving Today

I've never seen my car so full! My mama's decided to come with me and she is in full-stress mode b/c there's no room for our overnight bags. Guess we'll be sitting criss-cross applesauce in the passenger seat! Haha. I promise a longer post when we get to Kansas City tomorrow :)

Joe is ready to roll :)