Chain Reaction

Ohmygod.  Can I just tmi a little?

It's throwback Thursday (#tbt) on the internet right?  So I was looking for pic of me and Nate; I haven't been able to call him recently and that's a bummer b/c he makes me smile always.  So I'm looking for pics of us, and stumble across pics of me with shorter hair.  So I start looking for more of those (b/c I'm thinking of cutting it again).  Then I see some selfies from grad school, and remember I had taken similar ones in undergrad.  So I go looking for those.  I can't figure out where they are on my comp, but I know I sent some to someone at some point.  So I start searching my gmail.  I can't remember what I call the email, so I just search the person's name and the word "pics".  And then oh lord.  I stumble on some email correspondences I had sent people from my summer in France.  And in there are some NOVELS.   I kid you not, like 200 emails at about 400 words each.  And I'm like "oh my god, what could we have possibly had to say to each other?" There's a lot of nitpicky play-by-plays of our days, and it gives me this warm glowy nostalgia rush.  Fast forward half an hour:  I am SOBBING because these play-by-plays have suddenly morphed into the most beautiful love notes and ohmygod where did those feelings of infinite hopefulness and safety go?

Anyway, I feel pretty lucky that I ever felt that way.  But would also love to get that feeling back.  I don't really know what to do about that.  So I think I'll keep sitting back and doing nothing.

Guys, I think I've only ever felt that way once.

Break-Up Songs

This is a conversation that came up today at dinner.  How there is always that one song after a break-up that you just wear down.  And I without thinking went, "I can name that song right now for each one of my important break-ups".  So, of course, I was asked to put it to the test (and totally judged for my answers).  So anyway, here they are:

1.  Yesterday by the Beatles
2.  Your Daddy's Son from Ragtime
3.  Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen
4.  Lullabye by Billy Joel
5.  Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye/January Hymn by the Decembrists (tough choice)

I just realized that I messed up the order at dinner.  Oh well.

Big Birthday Bonanza

BOOM!  Birthday blog post time!  I'm officially on the north end of my twenties.  So to ignore how DAMN OLD my age sounds, let's relive the awesomeness that was my birthday week.  Like I said last year, my birthdays aren't usually a big to do, but this year, man, was especially rockin'.

It actually started earlier this week when I got a letter and some gifts from one of my fourth graders at my old job.  I'm pretty sure it was meant as a late holiday gift, but it got here just in time for my birthday!










A little later, I got a package from my friend Pete on the East Coast.  Earlier that week I had regaled him with a play by play attempt to poach eggs in coffee cups.  It failed, so I wasn't surprised when I opened the package and found this:

Which I used to relative success while watching the Red Letter Media reviews of the Star Wars prequels.  Hilarious stuff and the only reason I have any knowledge of the plots of those movies.








Fast forward to Saturday.  I met some of my faves, Abigail, Willow, and Sarah, at Zazie in Cole Valley.  The atmosphere at Zazie is fantastic, and I hear rumors that they have a gorgeous heated garden patio, but I've never sat there.  The food is fantastic too, it's one of those menus where I want to try everything, rather than sticking to what I got last time.  You've probs all seen the photos on fbook (or can go look if you're that interested), so I won't regurgitate them here, except for maybe this one, because the food looks so good and you can see my tattoo.



After Zazie we went next door to The Ice Cream Bar, an old-fashioned soda fountain.  The concept is fantastic and so are the sodas/floats.  But I have to admit there's something lacking about the interior.  I can't put my finger on it, but it just seemed a little dank in there.  Like it's so close to having a great atmosphere, but somehow just misses it.  I think it's the paint color they chose for the walls.  It's almost that turquoise that's really hot right now, but with a little too much brown mixed in.  Makes it murky  That being said, don't let the atmosphere deter you.  Go in and get a hand-fashioned soda.  I had this thing that tasted like a big, frothy, adults-only cup of Werther's candies.

After The Ice Cream Bar, I went down to my Improv class, which is always a good time, then downtown to see Abigail in her play.  Oh yeah, this swank-ass place is where she was performing.  NBD.

Right before the curtain rose, I got this text from a college friend of mine.  He's been keeping his distance all year, so it was very very touching.

Sunday was a relatively productive day for errands and stuff, and then Monday after school I went over to the Post Office to pick up my brand new Kindle from my parents!  So excited. I'm so over carrying multiple heavy books in my backpack at any given time.

Before

After

Also, this card happened:

Oh and I guess the Superbowl was last night. And I guess we lost.  And Beyonce had one of the best half-time shows in a long time.

So if I take my birthday to be some kind of cosmic foreshadowing for the next year (which I did last year and it proved eerily correct) then this year is going to be awesome and exhausting and full of wonderful people.

Belated

I was gonna make this big post declaring that minus one time in July I'd been single for exactly one year today.  Which is like kind of a big deal.  I dated... poorly after Andy and I broke up, and I'd been trying to like, break-out of that habit for awhile.  When I moved to graduate school I made a big deal of telling people that I was totally going to be single for the whole year, focus on school and me, etc.  And then that FAILED because what I actually wanted at the time was to be in a relationship. So that happened instead.  With someone I wasn't really into.  We both kind of understood that we were dating because it was convenient, not really because we could ever fall in love or anything.  And then I moved to San Francisco and fell back into the same habits.  It was easier to date than to try to make friends.  I was much better at that.

And so a couple guys happened until I gambled my Click with Luke on some drunken kisses in the cold. (Looking back, I regret drinking so much with him.  I blacked out a lot of moments from that relationship.)  A big part of me feels like he could have been a pretty solid friend out here if we had never dated.

Anyway, after he called it off and I got a grip on what I needed out here (companionship, community, stability), I decided that  it wasn't worth the gamble anymore.  Because no matter what I want to believe, friendships never outlive intimacy.  So I kind of lost my taste for dating for a long time.  But now, finally, I find myself missing romance.  So like hopefully I'm ready to get back into it.  And hopefully from now on I'll do it right.  I really don't want another relationship like the one I had in grad school.

Anyway, it turns out I had my dates wrong.  And I've actually been single for a year and a couple days.  So that's pretty cool.

FLIGHT HOME TOMORROW.

Oh How We Lost Our Minds

Today has been so emotionally up and down.  Basically:

Went to bed at 9:30 pm and woke up at 6:00 am still exhausted (side-note ice skating is baller).

Oh no.  Guys.  Why is nostalgia so out of my control?

Drove back into the city after my first shift listening to Ke$ha's Last Goodbye and basking in nostalgia.  It was one of those moments when I was felt super fortunate to have had the romantic experiences I have, even if they didn't all work out.  Like, I've dated some amazing people who were worth all the heartache later on.  And, like you know what?  Heartache fades.  Those don't have to be the memories you hold onto.  I'd rather remember that stupid hat someone was wearing when we first met.  Or his shocked face when we ran into each other on campus afterwards.  And how many damn colors he would always wear.  Okay so this song makes me think of Andy mostly.  God, sometimes you forget how much you really loved someone, and it's nice to remember.  I should have treated him better.  Sent less mixed signals.  That statement can apply to a lot of my relationships actually.

(This song also reminds me of one particularly debaucherous night with Nate and his bestie Jason, the first time I went out dancing.  We were in Richmond, VA one of the dirtiest cities I've ever been.  And we all crashed on Jason's air mattress in his mostly unfurnished, cat-scented apartment.)

Anyway.  Then I went back to the apartment but just wanted to sleep, but had laundry to do.  So I went and did a triple load of laundry WITH NO DETERGENT.  Discovering this was too devastating.  I just wanted to go back to bed.

I talked to Nate for awhile.  Who I love.  And he likened our relationship to sine and cosine.   I'm not twampy enough to know what that means.  So he sent me this picture

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/sine-cosine-and-tangent-waves-jason-padgett.html

Indicating that while we are INCREDIBLY different, our lives are on similar paths and our interests intersect every once in awhile.

I told him this picture illustrated his metaphor better.

Also, he told me he reads my blog every once and awhile!  Who knew!  Hi Biddy!  Love you!

I was so lethargic I ended up leaving for work late and got there 15 minutes late with no lesson plan.  Long story short shit hits the fan (surprisingly, for an unrelated reason) and I end up spending the whole afternoon totally sulky because I decide to resign at the end of the day.  Long story short: I'm starting my new job on Monday.  WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS.  I'm gonna miss my kiddos though.  They have no idea.  I feel like a bitch.

Come home. Watch a fuck ton of Office.  Get an email from the tattoo girl (it's basically a go for Saturday). Blog.  Listen to Last Goodbye on repeat again.