Price Tag

Every time I consider teaching full-time, there is one thing driving me.  It's not a love of teaching (which I don't have) or even a love of kids (which I have in spades); it's the money.

I'm not joking.  I know everyone says teachers are overworked and underpaid, and that is 100% true.  I'm not refuting that. But a teacher is paid more than a hostess, or a camp counselor, or a teacher's aide. A teacher is in the middle class. A teacher's aide is not.  They just aren't.

But seriously.

And in your early twenties, when you're single, it's easy to make your only expenses rent, groceries, and booze.  You don't need to be in the middle class. For three of the past four years, I've done this with varying amounts of satisfaction.  But anytime I start to think about pets, or home ownership, or god-forbid children, I suddenly find myself wanting more money. Actually needing it.

I can't afford the expense of a dog right now.  I can't afford the expense of a weekly yoga class right now (though if I was smart I would probably allocate my booze budget for this).  Point is, most of my time in California has been spent living exactly within my means.  With no wiggle room.

You want to go dancing?  You want a pair of leopard print pants?
You want a domesticated wolf to sleep in your house?!
 Don't worry, I've got it covered.  I'm in the middle class now.

I can't explain the mind-blowing relief I felt when I received that first teaching paycheck.  I suddenly didn't have to worry about money.  I didn't have to think about it.  I HAD IT.  I. Had. Money.  Was I happy that year?  No. Did that fix everything that was wrong with living in San Francisco? No.  But money, in a city that was so expensive, was suddenly off the table.  And that was amazing.

I can only imagine how far that teaching salary would stretch here in L.A.  And I do.  I imagine it a lot.  And that's a problem.

I don't know if I have the strength to be poor for another half-decade or longer on the off-chance this writing thing takes off.  I really want to settle down.  I really want a family.  And it's hard to imagine choosing to work in positions that take the choice of family off the table.

But do I really want to settle for career I'm not happy with?

I just find myself spinning in circles sometimes.  Because growing up, I was always such a creative person; I want to be that kind of person still.  I loved making stories and acting and creating art. And I feel like since going down this road with teaching those interests have totally been left behind.  So much energy has been focused on being a good teacher.  Growing as a teacher.  And I know people are gonna be like 'you can be a creative, artistic teacher', but that wasn't doing it for me.

White picket fence anyone?

Teaching just wasn't one of my passions.  It was kinda cool.  You know, how like making cookies is kinda cool.  But am I gonna try and become a pastry chef?  No.  I just don't like making cookies that much.

So what do I do? How do I feel like I'm making enough money to be comfortable, to grow with, but still have enough time and emotional energy to focus on this book I've started writing?  Or do I not?  Do I just get a job somewhere that's gonna give me plenty of money to settle down and admit that being an artist isn't for me?  That having a family was more important?  I know there's no shame in saying that, so... do I just have to choose one?  Hypothetical Family vs. Hypothetical Career?

That's the other ridiculous thing.  I have neither right now, so why am I pitting them against each other?  But I just quit my job and am looking for a new one, so I feel like now I have to choose what to actively pursue: Financial stability and possibility for settling down or financial instability and possibility of a career as an artist.

So here I am, spinning in circles again.

This is such an entitled millennial problem isn't it?