Erratic Post

I just had this moment where the whole world hit me at once. I'm munching on a candy cane as we speak to try to cool my nerves.  Like normally life over here is great.  But I just had a moment where like suddenly everything seemed to be happening all at once.  I'm sitting here dreading opening my email (what if I have another email from my roommate?), when the world seemed close in around me and every muscle in my body tensed.

What actually happened is I opened my email and saw an email I was super excited about from Sierra Repertory Theatre an hour outside the city.  They say that they want to audition me in the middle of the day next Tuesday (I'd have to take work off) for a production of Gypsy.  They would provide housing and a stipend, I'd have to move an hour or so from the city, drop out of my current show, and I'd basically be working as an actor for the first time in my life.  IF I GOT THE PART.  Which is unlikely, but I was overwhelmed by the possibility.  This is what happens to me.  Before I even audition I decide that I the prospect of it is too scary, and rationalize myself out of even auditioning. "I can't take off work... I probably won't even get it anyway... I can't really dance..."  Because I don't want to be faced with that choice.  That prospect.  I mean if I DID get this show it would effectively kill this thing I have with Cute Luke and would rip me out of this city that I don't spend enough time in anyway.  But it WOULD be an awesome opportunity to be a working actress.  OH THAT REMINDS ME I'D HAVE TO QUIT MY JOB.  And I think all this before I've even auditioned.  WHICH MAKES NO SENSE.

"If you hear a voice within you say you are not a painter, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced."~Van Gogh

Don't limit yourself, Mel by what you are afraid will happen, at least audition and figure it out from there.

SO ALL THAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD AT THE SAME TIME AS I AM THINKING:

• God, I hate my roommates, and need to figure that shit out.  I have barely been home since her last email and will barely be home all week (thank god).
• God, I hate craigslist and ohemgee there are like barely any postings (my budget is a lot smaller than the last time I was looking, now that I know how much money I make).  And oh man, all these people just sound the same as my current roommates.
• God, my sister's birthday is this week.
• God, I have an audition on Sunday night that I HAVE NOT prepared for in the least.
• God, I have this new show starting before the old one even closed, and I'm not even sure I can understand half the words I'm saying, I need to reread this and then start dissecting it, and then memorizing it.
• God, I love spending time with Cute Luke so much and that's all I want to be doing right now and I have no time because of all of the other shit in my life.

SO LIKE I SAID, FOR THAT ONE MOMENT I WAS TOTALLY OVERWHELMED.

Ohmygod it feels great to just vomit that all out.  But now, a candy cane and a blog post later, I can think a little bit more clearly.  I know myself well enough to realize that everything except that last bullet will take a backseat.  Like all this other stuff is really important and needs to happen, but I'm going to do everything in my power to make time for this kid.  All that other stuff stresses me out, but he just makes me feel good.  None of it makes me feel as warm as waking up to that sweet smile.