Intentionally Committed

I watch these wedding shows and women talk about planning for their weddings their entire lives.  This is exactly what they imagined when they were a little girl…

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And I just ask myself, "How did I miss that?!"

I guess it just never captured my imagination.  I thought weddings were stuffy, church things for hat-wearing old people (you know 30 year olds).  I played games like Clueless, where we had cellphones and drove our jeep to the mall.

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I mean, look at all that itchy fluff and tulle… 

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… besides if you're gonna wear a hat, you might as well pair it with a mini-skirt and subject-matter my fourth grade mind couldn't grasp.

Don't get me wrong, I was obsessed with boys.  I always dreamed about finding a handsome someone, falling in love and all that… but having a wedding?  That was never a game I played.

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Belle never had a wedding.  Just had a killer welcome-back-from-a-horrible-curse midday dance-party.

Any wedding fantasizing I do now stems more out of sense of necessity than anything else.  An "ohmygod, there's so much to do to prepare for weddings if I don't start thinking about it now when the possibility is far and remote I'll implode from stress when it actually happens".

 Let's also be clear:  I'm in no way denouncing weddings or implying that I don't want one.  I don't really get off on the idea of saying vows in a $40 patterned modcloth dress in my parent's back yard.  All I'm saying is that weddings have always been pretty low on my radar.

Love was high. Dating was high.  When I was little I always felt compelled to play-act these adult feelings.  To figure out how to flirt and dress cute, but I don't think I ever thought about what I'd do if I achieved my goals.  I had crushes.  And they were exciting.

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Oh Jack, teach me how to hock a loogie!  (This is how you fall in love, right?)

Come to think about it, I don't think commitment was very high on my list either.

But now, it's all I want.  Dating is stupid and exhausting and I've lost so many friends through it.  Like ohmygod, it was cute when I was 23, but can we please stop the merry-go-round already?  I just want someone I can feel secure with, fight with, trust.  I've been feeling this way for a while now, and every year it crystallizes a little more.

When I was in college I was always asking myself, "Who else is out there?  What if I can do better?  Who am I missing out on?"  Relationships were moderately confining and never quite good enough.  I had a terribly wandering eye and felt resentful of monogamy, wary of commitment.  It's weird the way your thinking can shift so completely.

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Lily and Marshall had this epic fight on HIMYM this week, which I loved because you know no matter how rough it gets and how honest they become they're going to work it out.

I'm not saying I'm ready for a family; I'm not saying I'm not.  I'm not saying I'm ready for marriage; I'm not saying I'm not.  I just want to know there's someone by my side.  And I don't have to worry about them.  We're stable.  Whatever that means.