The Resurgence of Stage Fright

When I was in 3rd Grade we studied the pioneers.  In a large shoe box, I crafted a model of a typical pioneer home out of clay and cardboard.  The final part of the project was to present it to the class.  Now, having never done something like this before, I hadn't anticipated how absolutely terrifying it would be.  And I definitely didn't prepare.

So I got up in front of the class, shaking like a leaf, and said in a quavering voice, "This is my pioneer house.  It has one room because the pioneers didn't have much money."  And I was done, I was out of material.  Now I knew that wasn't right.  Staring decidedly down at my project, I searched around for something else to say.

"Here are the beds…" I said. "they are for…"  Well, I had really put my foot in my mouth now hadn't I?  Everyone knew what beds are for.  What else could I possibly say?  What amazing insight could I bring to pioneer beds?  Nothing.  There was no way out.  So I leaned in. "… you know, for sleeping."

Now, you may not realize it.  But to a room full of third graders that was a HILARIOUS joke.  OF COURSE THEY BEDS ARE FOR SLEEPING.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  THEY ARE BEDS.  (just trust me on this).

Wait a minute.  Did I just make a joke that made the whole class laugh?  Was that me?  Do I have this hilarious hilarious power?  I sure did.  I could rule the world from this stage.

And I kid you not, from that moment on I never suffered from stage fright again (except when singing but that was a whole different animal).

Until.  Moving. To. L.A.

I don't know what it is, but I get up in front of that camera and I have all this nervous energy I can't quell.  Maybe it's feeling out of place in these strange rooms with these damn "readers" who give you nothing.  Maybe it's because I worry I'm being too loud, or too showy, or too Stage Actor.  Maybe it's because I'm acutely aware that I haven't performed for anyone over the age of 10 in 2 years.  Maybe because competition seems stiffer.  Maybe because it's no longer something I'm doing for "fun" and "to meet people" but because I'm "doing it for real".  I don't know.  But something is different and scary about getting in front of a camera.

I used to be able to walk into class or on to stage, and be calm, be clear, let my scenes take time.  Now I rush through everything, and speak in that really high-pitched ramble that usually only comes out in job interviews and first dates.  It's like I don't even know myself.  And every time that happens it chips away a little more at my cool, meaning that next time I get up on stage, I think about my stage fright, and am even more jittery.  It's a pretty weird cycle.  And I'm not quite sure what to do with it.