Click

When Rolfe and I finally broke-up (because for those of you who don't know it was a long and arduous process characterized by unfettered tears and constant denial) he tried to tell me it wasn't me, it wasn't him, it was us.  We didn't like each other.  Simple enough.  At the time, I was so full of self-doubt and self-loathing that I didn't believe him.  I was convinced that I had destroyed our relationship.  By being too clingy, too needy, too sensitive, too stressed, too awkward, too me.  Everything I was, was wrong: unlovable, disagreeable, and generally infuriating.  I clung to that for months.  It wasn't until I met Andy that I realized Rolfe was right.  About 15 minutes into our first date, I got it.  We were sitting at a table at Aroma's, Andy in black and grey was assuring me that every kid has a chubby phase, then telling some story about chubby 8 year old Andy face-planting on a skateboard, and in the back of my mind I was like, "Oh my god, this is what Rolfe meant.  This is so easy.  We get along."

It was this big epiphany for me.  I wasn't the problem.  I wasn't a problem.  Just because I was quiet didn't mean I was awkward.  Just because I was clingy didn't mean I was needy.  Just because I was stressed didn't mean I was about to break.  It wasn't always my fault.

Ever since that eye-opening date, I've been acutely aware of that fact that some people just "click".  Conversely, you can be great friends with someone, and hang out, and have a good time, but still consistently miss the mark.  You know what I mean, there are lulls in conversation, you run out of things to talk about, you have to wrack your brain for things to say.  And I'm not talking about dating here, I'm talking about life, friendships, work, interactions, people.

There are some people in the world who will get along with 90% of the people they meet, then there are people like me: who only get along with about 10%.  If I don't find them infuriating in some way, then they are probably intimidating, boring, or we just don't... click.  I try to be friendly with everyone, but anyone who's met me can tell you straight away that I don't always [often?] succeed.  On the flip side, there are some people I can talk to all day.  I don't know what it is.  I never wonder self-consciously if they even care about my story (and my stories, like my blog posts are VER-fucking-BOSE), or if we hang out too much, and never have to roll through my lists of small-talk conversations starters ("So tell me more about your job.", "This weather, huh?").  Maybe those people are the 90%-ers; maybe they fill in the gaps when I stop talking; maybe they make me feel comfortable prattling on about myself; maybe I care to know about them, so I feel like it's okay to tell them about me. I don't know.  I don't know what makes people click.  What makes me click.

This past week I've been trying to figure that out.  I'm still mostly alone out here on the west coast and I'm wondering why.  The same thing happened when I lived in D.C.; I spent an entire year up there, dated, made friends, and didn't meet a single person I really connected with or am still in touch with.  I'm wracking my brain trying to remember how I I got to know those people in my life that I really connected with.

Like Nathan.  We sat next to each other in class. "Oh you're taking Greek Archaeology and Art at 12:30, too?  Let's go down together... Oh, you have a break now, too?  Let's grab lunch... Oh, you're watching Back to the Future in your dorm?  That's my favorite movie too!  I'm gonna come over to watch it."  And come over.  And come over.  And come over.  And we just... clicked.  I couldn't replicate that if I tried.  And I try.  Somehow saying "let's grab lunch next week" has never quite worked out the same way.

Or what about Toph?  "Let's get together and study for this exam.  Oh man, our brains work the same way, we study well together... we should get blasted drunk before classes start again... fuck drinks let's go to the beach all night... I'm gonna come over to study." And come over and come over and come over.

I dunno.  You know when you meet those people.  Those people that are easy to talk to.  That you are interested in knowing.  And are interested in knowing you.  Where coming over feels natural, and not a burden.  You never have to ask "Do you mind if I hang out a bit?"  Those people you stay up with until 4 am just talking and you're like "Shit where'd the time go?"  The one's where words and emotions flow like you're drunk.  Where a quick "Hi" turns into 20 minutes in the cold.  You know.  And until them you're just treading water.