A Very Sappy Post

Like a drunken night that gets out of hand, only the most recent and most outlandish events are clear.  There's this lingering sense of shame and self-pity and an overwhelming desire to never-do-that-again.  But as time passes the gaps are filled in, you can start to see the whole picture, remember all the fun that was had and why you're totally-gonna-do-that-again.

When Luke and I first broke up I was so drunk with anger and pain that I could only see him as he was on that night.  Cold.  Distant.  Rigid.  I tried and I tried, but I couldn't remember how I'd felt the previous week, the whole month.  I knew  (in my brain) that I had been ecstatic, and I knew (in my brain) that I had told him over and over that I felt so lucky to be with him in such an amazing city, and I knew (in my brain) that he made me feel like he was on the same page.  But I couldn't remember, I couldn't recall those feelings.  That warmth that was OVERFLOWING in me all month.  That giddiness that I could ride all day after waking up beside him.  I had these images and snippits of conversation, but I couldn't remember what it all felt like.

Jack and Angie

These past couple of days I've had a lot of time to myself to be with my thoughts.  More time than I thought: in the car in the rain, in the dentist's chair, eating breakfast, watching TV, mid-conversation.  I can't help it, my mind wanders and lands back here every time.  Sometimes I wonder what happened, sometimes I wonder what will become of our friendship (Why can't we be like Angela and Hodgins after they broke up?... Oh b/c we don't work in a fictional forensics lab where we are required to be immediately friendly to each other in order to do our jobs and advance the show's plot... oh yeah), sometimes I imagine just raging, but lately, lately I've begun to remember what it felt like.  The gaps are being filled in.

The little moments, that I was worried I had forgotten, are coming back.  When he woke up after that party and muttered with his eyes half-closed "How's it feel?" This one time when we were talking and he had his head in my lap and he kissed my hand, "Thank you."  Falling asleep.  Those kisses on the stoop that we didn't want to end.  The conversations that would go on well into the night, only ending because we were literally too tired to keep talking, passing out mid-sentence.  Those vulnerable moments he shared.  The stolen forehead kiss in the restaurant that, now... now I wish I had returned.  Our time together was very brief, but I enjoyed every minute of it.  I wish he had felt the same way.

It's hard for me to reconcile the memories of that warm, excited boy with the cold, distant man who won't answer my texts.  It's like they are two different people.  I feel like this friendship could bridge that gap.  Fill in the final pieces, showing where Boyfriend Luke and ex-Luke coincide to become one whole Luke.  That's the thing: I feel like I've only seen pieces of him.  Two drastically different sides.  Like if you zoomed in on the opposing edges of a painting.  I want to pull back and see the whole image.

I know that it will take time and space to earn that trust as a friend, and I'm trying my damndest to give it, but it's hard.  It takes so much time and so much space.