Cool

So I'm in this play right?  And I was really excited about the dancing right?  Well as the weeks progressed it became clear that the choreography was a little out of my grasp.  As the choreographer stubbornly persisted on double pirouettes (a move I have never successful completed in all my 7 years of dancing), I grew more and more frustrated.  We began running that one number I'm in over and over and over.  The show is has opened, and they are still calling us in early to run it.  "JUST TAKE ME OUT OF THE NUMBER!"  I want to scream.

It's frustrating, worrisome, and exhausting.  I can't succeed, I can't focus because in the back of my mind is the choreographer's voice NAGGING at me.  If I mess up, I mess up BIG.  I'm usually very good at acting my way through a choreography flub.  But now, if the guy next to me is offbeat, I drop my character and struggle to find the counts.  At points I am audibly mouthing them. Positive reinforcement was NOT something we received in the process.  Only critique.  And now all those critiques are all I hear when I'm dancing.  To the point that I don't WANT to dance anymore.  I CAN'T live in the scene because the choreography has become TOO important.

I know it's not my fault that the choreographer didn't take into consideration the level of ability of his dancers, but it doesn't prevent his disappointment from seeping into my brain.  From making the dance the part of the show that I groan over.  The part that makes the other actors and I lock eyes and sigh, "Let's get through this."  It's to the point that I don't even WANT to do it well.  I just want to get survive it.  I walk onstage at the beginning of the number and try to telepathically tell the audience, "I'm sorry for what you're about to see, I don't want the dance break to be this long either."