I'm not dating right now, and I'm actually really into it. And by "not dating" I mean like. NOT DATING. Because I've been single before and still like casually involved with people. But now I've had like 8 months to myself and I'm like really okay with it.
Don't get me wrong, I love begin in love. And I really like the physicality of a relationship, but it all sounds like kind of a hassle right now. I'm really into getting to know these women from work. They are hella chill and fun to be around. I just like how there's no pressure to be something different than who you are. In relationships it's really hard to avoid catering to some kind of perception you have of the other person. Like there is no pressure in a friendship. I can just be me. These girls aren't going to break up with me if I hit the wrong nerve, and if I do, who gives a flying fuck. Friendships are transient and can be picked up and dropped and picked up again without much emotional effort. I dunno, I've always wished that relationships could be as casual as making friends.
Like guys who make a big deal out of dates, always freak me out. "YOU ARE PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON THIS" I want to scream. "No, I want to pay this time, because that's setting a realistic standard. If we date for a long time, are you really going to want to bring flowers and buy everything all the time?" I dunno, I know that's backwards. But sometimes I just want to hang out. A lot of times I just want to enjoy being with people because I enjoy them as people. Not because they lay down a lot of cash or try super super hard to be impressive. I dunno. That's so much pressure.
I was listening to an episode of This American Life and they said something about how some people just really like beginnings of things. They think that starting new things is exciting, so they don't follow through with projects, ideas, relationships because they aren't exciting after the initial stages. I don't think I'm that kind of person. I definitely like middles. I like it to be comfortable and effortless. I remember thinking that with my first boyfriend. Just being really tired of always trying to figure out how to be in a relationship, I told him "I can't wait for this all to feel natural, comfortable."
I also tend to be really intense at the beginning of a relationship. I like GET INTO people for awhile. It's like actually a problem I'm having with my new friends right now. I'm having a really hard time being like "No, I don't think we should hang out tonight, I'm going to be really tired, and I haven't read any books in a long time." Because, honestly, I want to hang out. I know it will be fun. I love spending time with these people. But at the same time, sometimes I know it'll wipe me out. Or I have laundry to do. Or other people to see. But I just ignore those other things and hang out anyway. I have this problem all the time in relationships, "Your friend is having a party Thursday night? I have work at 7:00 am, but I'm sure I'll have fun with you there, so YEAH!" "You're gonna let me spend the night on a Tuesday? WHY WOULD I PASS THAT UP?!" I just need to learn that instant gratification isn't always the best decision.
This post was a series of loosely related tangents that had been on my mind.
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