The One That Got Away

I feel like I've been studying abroad in San Francisco, and now that camp is over, I have to go back to my shitty life in Marin.  This summer I felt so connected to the city, so energized, so excited.  And now,  I'm worried.  Worried that things will go back to the way they were before.

I was telling Willow today that if this summer job hadn't worked out for me, I was going to move home.  My lease was up in March, my job ended in June, and I would have been on the first flight to D.C..  In May, everything sucked.  It was like I was P.M.Sing the whole month.  I was just sad constantly.  Just constantly.  I felt disconnected and disenchanted.  It sucked.

And now,  I'm worried that things are going to shift back again.  I'll go back to my job in Marin and I'll continue to be unchallenged and bored.  I'll go back to my coworkers in Marin and continue to feel disconnected from them.  I'll come home at night and feel restless, adrift.  I'll feel like a visitor in my own town.

In turn, I'll become clingy and needy with the few friends I have made this summer, pushing them away.  Abigail will grow tired of me because I never do anything.  Or worse, I'll grow tired of Abigail because we never do anything.

I'm worried that I'll hate the classes I'm taking this year, and resent them for making me spend my Saturday in Berkeley.

I'm worried that I'll move to Arlington, dejected and beaten into becoming a real teacher, rather than making the choice myself.

I'm worried this whole thing will fail, and this summer was just a cruel glimpse of what could have been.  What I wanted it to be, but just couldn't achieve.  I'm so worried.  Guys, this spring was so bad.  That's when I decided I had to stop dating, that's when I decided I had to stop drinking, that's when I started reading so many books because I had to stop thinking.

I like feeling energized.  I like feeling excited.  I like going places and discovering new things about the city.  I like eating at new restaurants.  I like riding the bus in the morning.  I like this city.  I don't want it to escape me.  I don't want it to be the one that got away.  I don't want to fail.

Here's some graffiti to calm my nerves:

iloveu on the 21

Love Birds in Hayes Valley

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE in the Inner Richmond

Bicycle Gardens in the Panhandle

GOD BLESS US EVERYONE! at the Civic Center

iloveu! from my first day on the bus to camp

I was thinking, as I was brooding over this backstage tonight, that I had spent the whole summer discovering San Francisco in the daytime.  Going on field trips, hanging out, getting brunch.  And now, during the year, I'm going to discover San Francisco at night.  I'm going to have the expectation that I will discover San Francisco at night, in the same way that I had the expectation that this summer was going to be awesome.  I suspect it will involve a lot of [platonic] dinner dates, some shows, some dancing.  I'm gonna put some positive energy and optimism into the world, and the world will hopefully give it back.