I dislike "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Oh internet.  I'm finally giving up on Fifty Shades of Grey.  Like that time when all the books I was reading had death and/or the afterlife in them and I couldn't stop thinking about my own mortality, reading about a dysfunctional drama-filled relationship based on conflict and mutual sexual interest with a broken, yet over-controlling egomaniac has evoked a certain number of thoughts I'm just tired of dwelling on.

Things about this book I hate:

• It stars a self-deprecating, sexually naive heroine
• She's never had another boyfriend or even had feelings for another man
• She's never had sexual feelings about anyone... not even herself if you get my drift
• Apparently BDSM (and any sexual deviation) is a result of serious dysfunction and a troubled, abusive past
• Apparently BDSM is something you should get into just because someone else insists and will only be in a relationship with you if you do these things with them
• Apparently BDSM is basically just a woman consenting to abuse
• The heroine consents to a lot of sexual acts she's not into to try to please him, then cries about it
• He stalks her and admits to it
• He gets made at her for:
• Not answering his emails in a timely manner
• Drinking alcohol
• Not clearing her plate
• Being friends with men
• Having male friends who are attracted to her
• Wearing revealing clothing
• Being too naive to notice her boss was going to try to sexually harass her
• They either fight or have sex.  The first time she mentions them having a pleasant conversation is halfway through the second book.
• Apparently, you can know after 5 weeks and before you have your first real conversation that you love someone
• He's the first person she's ever dated and ever had an orgasm with (including herself... herself people), but apparently this doesn't cloud her ability to determine that she loves him
• There is absolutely no basis for his attraction to her, except that he's "drawn to her"
• Within a matter of weeks, he changes himself completely to satisfy her (YEAH, THAT'S NOT GONNA BACKFIRE IN A COUPLE MONTHS).
• After about a very shitty month and a half with literally constant drama he proposes to her
• He proposes to her because he's worried she'll leave him
• She "just wants some time to think things through", but doesn't get it
• She accepts his proposal anyway
• Apparently, if you love someone hard enough you can solve all their problems (such as perverted BDSM behavior, night terrors, fear of being touched) and make them a better person IN A MATTER OF WEEKS.  All from the force of you love.
• If he loves you enough, he will change all the things about himself that you don't like
• Relationships involve constant conflict and compromise of your values to appease the one you love 
• They are both crazy jealous and self-depricating
• You can't be friends with your exes, one of them is always still in love with the other
• She takes all the blame for all their fights always, he gets a free pass because 'he's broken'

And this is ignoring the bad writing, the "I just picked this word for 'sexy' out of the thesaurus" use of vocab, the Order-of-the-Phoenix-style-plotlessness and the HBO-television-series treatment of drama (oh, he's being stalked by a crazy ex girlfriend!  Oh, she's being sexually assaulted by her boss! Oh he's proposing marriage!  Oh, his ex is being blackmailed!  Oh he was abused as a small child, and he's reliving it! Oh, he's been missing for 8 hours!  Oh, someone sabotaged his helicopter and he had to crash land!).

The main point of this post however is this: You can't love someone hard enough to change them into the person you want them to be.  You can't love someone hard enough to heal them.  Relationships should not be based on conflict.  You shouldn't have to compromise yourself or your values to please the person you're with.  Sexual deviancy isn't necessarily a result of "being broken".

And that is my opinion.  And it is a visceral, personal opinion based on my experiences.  And I'm not going to finish the trilogy.  And I'm sure my friends are happy that I'm gonna stop griping about it.  I think I'll start reading about Taoism again.  That was a much happier thing to dwell on.