Intense

This has been a week of very extreme emotion for me.

Moments of absolutely hating my job.  Listening to the other teacher's complain about their kids and behavior problems.  Knowing I'm struggling with even half of that and that one day I'll feel comfortable teaching only to be thrown the kind of curve balls they are now dealing with.  Wondering if I'm compassionate enough or patient enough for this job.  Which are questions I've been asking myself all year, but are just coming to a head these past couple weeks.

Moments of intense nostalgia, remembering all the things and people that used to be important to me.  And then getting fucking pissed that I don't have the energy to do the things that brought me so much joy and fulfillment for the majority of my life.

Remember when I used to act, for example?  And work really hard to get better at acting?  And made friends that were interested in the same things as me and didn't have kids in middle school and knew who Britney Spears was.  I feel so out of place in this career, I can't even explain.

Moments of terrible guilt and stress as I tell myself that by just scraping by, by not putting in 100% I'm failing 26 little people and their families.  Guilt when I lose track of something or don't get to someone, or forget to ask someone about how to help someone.  Guilt that I don't care enough to remember all these details or to write them down or to stay late after school to figure out every little detail of every little life and every little plan.  Guilt that in my stress and frustration I'm isolating myself from the rest of the staff, further exacerbating the problems.

Moments of ridiculous hunger as I'm not taking care of myself properly.  Why balanced regular meals are always the first thing to go, is beyond me.

Moments of just feeling spent.  Wanting to cry in my car on the way home but not having the energy or focus to work myself up enough.

Moments of awful worry as my plans for next year start slipping around in my head.  Clarity waning along with my desire to teach.  If I'm not teaching, how can I afford New York?  Can I live in D.C.?  What job would I do?  Would I nanny?  Would I temp?  Would I act? Would I JUST. TEACH. AGAIN?!

{{Breathe Mel}}

On the flipside-- and this is what's so crazy about this week guys--  I am incredibly excited, and hopeful, and happy.  I've been riding a high from my trip to L.A./Disneyland and any moment that I'm not stressing about work, my mind settles back on that feeling and I feel stupid good.

I haven't felt this way in a long time.  Like a long time.  It's so unexpected.  I kind of didn't think I could.  Like I legitimately thought I was too worldly and mature now.  And when I call Nate, I hear him on the other end of the phone just sighing heavily, going, "Don't.  Mel, just don't.  You're moving.  This is just like every other time.  I know you're gonna do this anyway, but don't… get all obsessed."

With all my emotions this week, I feel like a pinball bouncing back and forth.  Spinning faster than I can keep track of.  Racking up points and setting off alarms.  Now excuse me while I walk into a bar and get hosed.

[source]
Pinball Wizard from Tommy